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FreeRepublic , LLC PO BOX 9771 FRESNO, CA 93794
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Posted on 04/09/2003 11:07:21 AM PDT by suspects
“Stop The War NOW!” —Sign at “Direct Action To Stop The War” rally, April 6, 2003.
“U.S. forces today mounted their most far-reaching move into Baghdad today, going into the heart of the Iraqi capital … Reporters say hundreds of jubilant Iraqis greeted the British tanks as they poured into the center of Basra.” —AP media reports, the same day.
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DATELINE, BAGHDAD — Iraqi citizens looked on in horror today when, at the orders of President George W. Bush, American soldiers and marines began retreating from Baghdad to return to the United States.
“We’re sorry,” one local commander told panicking Baghdad residents as he mounted his Bradley fighting vehicle to catch a flight out of the newly-re-renamed Saddam International Airport, “We were winning on the streets of Baghdad, but we couldn’t take Hollywood Boulevard.”
The administration’s sudden reversal in Iraqi policy was announced at a hastily-called press conference where an apologetic President Bush explained his change of heart to the American people.
“I just didn’t want to be viewed as a ‘Hitler’ for the rest of my presidency,” a dour-faced Bush told the American people. “And the more I thought about it, the more I decided that the people calling me a fascist were right. Sending in the military to defeat Saddam Hussein, empty his torture chambers and allow Jews to once again practice their faith in Iraq is exactly what the Nazis would have done. So I stopped.”
President Bush signed the “Michael Moore Is Right” Act in a private White House ceremony, where he was joined by several Democratic presidential hopefuls including Congressman Dennis Kucinich and former Vermont Gov. Howard Dean. Sen. John Kerry stood in the doorway, where he repeatedly pointed out to reporters that one of his feet was still in the foyer. Also in attendance were members of numerous anti-war organizations who continued to call for an immediate end to the war in Iraq even after American soldiers had taken Saddam’s presidential palace in Baghdad.
“Hey — war is just wrong,” said Nirvana Hempfinder, president of “Students Halting Intolerance and Terror.” “I don’t care how many Iraqis throw flowers at our soldiers. If they really understood that all this ‘freedom’ and ‘liberty’ the Army is bringing is just a plan to trap Iraq in America’s dominant consumer culture, the people of Iraq would give back all that food and medicine we’re giving them and go back to eating …. well, um, whatever…”
The anti-war movement declared an immediate victory and urged the president to keep his word and remove all American forces as soon as possible.
“The invading and occupying forces of the Bush military should return the nation of Iraq to the state in which they found it,” said Didi Bididi of the Coalition To Stop All Republicans From Ever Doing Anything Whatsoever. When asked if that included returning Saddam Hussein to power, Bididi declined to answer. “My job is to fight against oppression and evil. What’s that got to do with Saddam Hussein?”
The question of returning Saddam to power is just one of the many sticky issues facing a successful, but now retreating, military. Commanders are unsure of what to do with the remains of thousands of Iraqi torture victims discovered by British forces in Basra.
American chemical weapons experts are also uncertain about the fate of chemical warheads filled with sarin and mustard gas captured by Coalition troops. And soldiers on the ground were openly angry about what they believed would be the fate of Iraqi citizens who came forward to help liberate Iraq.
As a group of Iraqi citizens who befriended American soldiers were loaded onto a bus by Fedayeen militia — allegedly to attend a “traditional Ba’ath Party unity ceremony” — one American G.I. spit on the ground in disgust. “Well, it looks like Ben & Jerry got what they wanted. I guess the new ice creams are going to be Chunky Torture Chamber and Death By Chocolate, Brutal Beatings and VX Nerve Agent.’”
Leaders of America’s peace movement bristle at claims that they bear any responsibility for the fates of Iraqi citizens under a new Hussein regime. “We believe in peace, and we wish peace for all people of the world,” said a spokesperson for Susan Sarandon. “It’s not the job of American soldiers to kill innocent Iraqis. That’s Saddam Hussein’s job.”
Other anti-war celebrities were more direct: “Like, nobody wants to see, like, people get killed and stuff,” said Fred Dunce, lead singer for the band Lame Brains. “But if the people who, like, cheered our troops and gave them flowers and s*** get killed, well, that’s what you get for backing a fascist murderer like George W. Bush. Selected, not elected!”
Meanwhile, members of the “No War For Oil” Coalition — who argued that the real reason for the war was to enrich American oil companies — had no comment on reports that oil futures soared to a record $95/barrel on news of the U. S. withdrawal from Iraq. Exxon and Amoco have both announced they expect record profits on the news.
Pentagon officials say all Coalition forces will be out of Iraq by the end of the week. At that time, President Bush will offer an official apology to the people of Iraq for the “illegal invasion that did not have the approval of justice-loving nations in the U.N. such as Libya, Cuba, or Sudan.” President Bush will also apologize to France, Germany, and Russia for waiting until Iraq was nearly liberated before “realizing the error of my ways.”
No one was happier with the President’s decision then the Iraqi Information Minister, who learned of the decision while holding a press briefing in the windowless closet of an underground bunker. “See! I told you the great infidel who never violated our shores would soon be repelled from the lands he never took in the first place!”
Rumors that the Information Minister had been offered a job by the American Democratic National Committee could not be confirmed.
[Michael Graham is a radio talk host in Richmond, VA and author of REDNECK NATION: How The South Really Won The War.]
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FreeRepublic , LLC PO BOX 9771 FRESNO, CA 93794
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Eastern Massachusetts and Austin too.
And for a generation, these veterans of Gulf War II would be told by the academics: "You lost the war!"
Nice acronym.
Unfortunately the liberal sicko media is practically saying the above s**t. I listened to NPR (sorry, guys) just to check on their slant. On the hour "news" break, they didn't even MENTION the statue toppling or happy Iraqis. All they said was the vast amounts of damage to the city by US forces. Time to effing get rid of the slime called NPR. It angers me that my taxe dollars go to the enemy.
Actually I think ChinaThreat had it covered...Austin is frequently referred to as "San Francisco, TX"...even by Texans like me, LOL!
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