Posted on 04/01/2003 4:14:35 PM PST by Atheist2Theist
1210 B.C. - This is Judas Arnett reporting to you from Ai for the Canaan News Network (CNN). The Canaanite war which the invading Israelites have unjustly waged on the inhabitants of this peace loving people is on its way to a sound defeat. Today here in Ai the men of this town have smote about thirty six of their invading warriors and chased them away. What started as quick military success in Jericho has ended in a quagmire at Ai. There is questioning if Joshua son of Nun has the support of his people and whether they will be there for the long run. Past opinion polls and focus groups have shown the Israelites to be very fickle in following their leaders. It took them 40 years to stage this invasion,and even with all that time they were unable to defeat the people of this small town of Ai.
At home their has been growing peace protests against this ill advised war. Protesters have been carrying signs such as "No Blood for Milk and Honey" and chanting "Hey hey! Ho ho!, Look what they did to Jericho". We still don't know all of the disastrous environmental effects of Joshua's campaign. The stopping of the natural water flow at the Jordan River has affected the migration paths of some fish. Chaldean astronomers have forecasted that there will be global warming as a result of Joshua interference with the orbit of the sun and causing it to stand still. The protesters are also questioning the ban or scorched earth polices on conquered towns. They believe in multiculturalism and that they can integrate peaceably with the people of Canaan without falling into worship of their gods. The idea that they will fall into the practices of the natives they consider just an idol threat. It is also rumored that Joshua cavorted with the infamous Rahab the harlot in carrying out this attack.
The United Nations of Northern Kings are filing papers with the war crimes tribunal to charge Joshua with war crimes and human rights violations. The Ark of the Covenant which they used against Jericho is rumored to be highly radioactive since just touching it can kill you. The Israelites are aware of this since they carefully carry it around using poles of acacia wood to avoid coming in contact with it. The effects of this radioactive Ark seem to intensify with everyone shouting at once after seven days of carrying it around. The collapsing of the walls of Jericho crushed many innocent women and children and this weapon is in direct violation of the Genesis Conventions. The town is now so radioactive that even after they won this battle they refused to move into the town. Just because having this weapon makes them a super power does not give them the right to go around bullying other nations and forcing them to worship their God.
The Israelites have also foolishly entered into diplomatic relations with the Gibeonites, sworn enemies of the Kings of the North, again showing their naive and failed diplomacy. Becoming their ally will only lead to their defeat at the hands of the united Kings of the North. Their extended supply lines are also causing them trouble. There have been reports of soldiers on the front line only having one MRE (Manna Ready to Eat) a day. This war will end in disaster for the Israelites.
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Could you please post the correct link (the one given does not work)?
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