Posted on 02/22/2003 4:14:00 PM PST by pke
0800: Wake up and tiptoe around the house so as not to violate “noise laws” and get a visit from the police.
0805: Don’t take a bath.
0810: Don’t comb hair; leave in hip “mussed” look made popular by Germans (slept in one position for 6 hours) and Brits (oily mussed look because bathroom plumbing is crap).
0830: Leave home and leave door unlocked for burglar to have easier entry so he won't smash expensive union-made door.
0900: Go to nearest bar for coffee picked by slave-labor in Africa.
0910: Score some pot from a friend met on the street.
0930: Go to another bar to have an “early glass” with pothead friend – talk about stupid Americans and how much better quality of life is in Europe.
1012: Go to bar bathroom and smoke pot; bathroom really stinks – hasn’t been cleaned in a week, and there is piss on the floor.
1030: Have another beer – joined by friends – reality becomes a distant, out of focus distraction.
1100: Decide to join pro-Palestinian riot.
1105: Get on subway because car insurance is expensive due to bad driving culture and gas is expensive due to mega-taxes; on way, hope that anti-globalization protestors will be there for solidarity.
1110: Use cell phone to call in sick at computer job for which the state pays half of salary.
1111: Join riot.
1112: Repeat anti-American, anti-Jewish slogans heard at riot; follow crowd; mimic crowd’s position; decide to become Communist, or Marxist, or Muslim, or all; hope state will pay for ideological training in some school.
1113: Buy cool Arafat scarf but fail to put on properly; decide to wear it around shoulders, like a Eurotrash sweater. Turbans are SO complicated!
1120: Beer, pot and rebellion feels good! – I'm making an independent statement about my strong political position in favor of freedom and democracy for all; leave riot and head back to middle-class neighborhood.
2030: Complain to friends in bar of being stressed out.
2230: Go home to get feel-good dose of anti-US slanted news on state TV – appreciate being involuntarily taxed for TV.
2031: Watch coffee commercial from European company – admire happy coffee-bean pickers enjoying pure, simple life in Africa; decide that’s how Europeans should live.
2035: Flip between heterosexual porn being shown on 3 channels – appreciate that Europe is “unafraid of nudity,” and “enlightened.”
0130: Catch Teletext news ticker that shows Americans make love more than Europeans – fail to distinguish between “natural nudity” and sexism in porn flicks.
0200: Go to sleep in unheated bedroom in bed that has two mattresses split by wood frame – unaware that some manufacturers in the Americas make frameless mattresses and that consumers like them.
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