Equipment-Woes, Gift-Woes, Mother-in-Law-Woes

Dear Mrs. Web Daily Personal Advice Column ^ | Thursday, July 25, 2002 | Dear Mrs. Web

[mlmr]

Dear Mrs. Web,

My wife states she is dissatisfied with our marital relations. She says that I am less equipped than most men and that I need to find ways to compensate. She controls me and goes off to have relations with other men whom she says are more satisfying. She constantly degrades me. I really want to please her, but she just laughs. What can I do?

Sir, If your wife is controlling you and having sex with other men …you have a much bigger problem than equipment size.

The kind of disrespect and dishonor that is occurring in you marriage is bald, in-your-face adultery. I recommend that you see a counselor or a minister to discuss your marriage and see if there is anything to salvage.

You might also explore why you permit someone to treat you so poorly.

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Dear Mrs. Web,

I have a wealthy half-brother whom I've met only 3 times, and he has two daughters, whom I just met this summer.

A few years ago, the younger daughter married and sent me an invitation. At the time, I was seriously ill and unable to work. I was on a tight budget and I could not shop for a thoughtful gift. I sent the girl $50 though I couldn't afford it, and included a warm letter. Since I didn’t know the girl, I did not send an explanation. In my half-brother’s family, $50 is a morning's pocket change. However, she sent me the sweetest thank you note.

Now I am in a much better physical and financial situation. I have met my two nieces, and found them to be wonderful young women. The second is getting married next month, and I don't know what to do about the gift. If I send the same as her sister I'd feel like a cheapskate. If I send her a gift, I'll feel badly because I didn't do as much for her sister.

I was thinking of sending the new bride a nice gift, and anther nice gift to her married sister, with a note explaining my previous situation. But that doesn’t seem right either. Dear Mrs. Web, do you have any ideas as to how I can salvage this? I don't want either girl to feel slighted. I've so enjoyed your column and your down-to-earth advice.

What a heartwarming letter!

In your shoes I would send the new bride the gift or cash amount you want to send her, now that you have been blessed with income and returned good health.

I would also write a letter to the first bride, telling her how much you treasure her thank you note, how much it meant to you during the uncertain and difficult times of your physical and financial strains. I would also tell her how her note helped open the gateway for your broader relationships with both sisters.

When the occasion arises: a new home, a new baby or another special celebration, I would then, send a fitting gift to this sweet and well-brought-up young woman.

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Dear Mrs. Web,

My husband and I married a month ago. At the reception my mother-in-law became drunk and said many crude and uncalled for remarks. She and my husband got into a screaming match. She included me in their fight and criticized my family. I was very hurt.

I am upset and my husband and I agreed not to contact her but my husband has been emailing her behind my back. She has started emailing me too and acts as if nothing happened.

I asked her to stop emailing me especially since this was at my job and quite frankly I didn't want to be bothered by her. Then she proceeded to ask what my problem was NOW. I told her in no uncertain terms to stop emailing me, but she continues.

Receiving her emails disturbs me. I really want an apology for all the trouble that she has caused me. It hasn't interfered with my marriage but it is a difficult situation for my husband.

How do I make the point that I really don't want to have anything to do with her right now. How do I deal with this situation?

This is your life and this is your mother in law. It is time for you to realize that this is the family you married. This is how they behave at times. Holding a grudge and making your point isn't going to help your marriage or your continued relationship with the family.

She isn’t going to apologize and you need to get beyond it. I do not mean that you have to agree with or put up with the poor behavior. However, you can be detached, respectful, pleasant and polite. That is what is required in difficult family relationships. It is not effective to continue your withdrawing, demanding and pouting behaviors.

There is a book on my website called How to Hug a Porcupine. It is a great resource for women with tough mother-in-laws.

Best,

Dear Mrs. Web

[mlmr]

People are funny, sad, and sometimes just plain nice.

[mlmr]

Bump