THE SOUTH - LIKE IT OR WE'LL KICK YOUR A$$!

via email | Jan. 12, 2002 | Unknown

[jslade]

Some sour people in the northeast wish the south weren't even in the US, that's how bigoted they are.

A lot of us in the South feel the same way!

[Gumlegs]

Mmmmmmmm ... Moon Pie!

[SeeRushToldU_So]

Just check out the winners in the major college football bowls. Southern teams kicked *ss!

[jslade]

Ever hear of Brother Dave Gardner? Funniest Southern humorist I have ever heard. Boy, did I just date myself.

[jslade]

Just check out the winners in the major college football bowls. Southern teams kicked *ss!

They play football in the North?

[hd5574]

I'm in Virginia and I sho nough make sweet tea.

[ROCKLOBSTER]

So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us like in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A.

Why don't you come up here in November, when the anti-everything liberal theives are trying to get re-elected, and HELP us northern country hicks........

KICK THEIR COLLECTIVE A$$!

[MissAmericanPie]

Just a little tip for those visiting Texas, don't make fun of the ladies Texas hair, or we will get a rope. The wind is gonna blow the daylights out of it anyway, so we may as well leave the house pre-windblown.

[kassie]

Ok, is this a joke?? No, why don't they sweeten their tea in VA? :)
Actually some of the sweetest tea has been here in Virginia Beach. When we'd ask for sweet tea in AZ or OH, they just looked at us and said, "there's sugar on the table".

[jslade]

Just a little tip for those visiting Texas, don't make fun of the ladies Texas hair, or we will get a rope.

I'll never forget my first trip to Houston. It was at Gerald Hines Interests at the Galeria. The Hines Senior Vice Pres. took me to lunch at the University Club. It just so happened to be secretarys day (very un PC now). I've never seen such beautiful women and what hair. Magnificent.

[MissAmericanPie]

Well thank you, that is a nice compliment to all Texas women.

[Howlin]

Oh yum..........you just made me think of the Beach Pub. Now I'm hungry!!!!!

[Howlin]

Ah, yes, I remember him, why? :-)

[carenot]

Oh, I remember Brother Dave! I wish I still had his records.

[lowbridge]

So, I go into a Waffle House and I order a filet mignon. The name of my waitress was Tammy Lynn. A stupd name if I ever heard one. Tammy Lynn tells me that they only serve breakfast, and besides she "aint hurd a no feellay meenyung"

I look over the menu and I ask her for a Dr. Pepper. Tammy Lynn say: "Sorry, we aint gots that down heah. All we gots is coke."

I call the manager over whose name is Billy Joe (yet another stupid name) and demand to know what kind of stupid hillbillies are they that they would only serve breakfast 24 hours day. Only in the south, I tell them, would you find such idiotic business practices. Only breakfasts? Only coke? Is this a restaurant or a John Belushi cheeseburger sketch?

I ask Billy Joe directions for a better restaurant than his because I'm not in the mood for waffles in the afternoon. And I point out to Billy Joe that his place was way out in the countryside, and that he's loser to place an eatery way out in the sticks and they're all a bunch of losers for living out in the countryside.

Billy joe gives me directions to the nearest Cracker Barrel. Turn right at this civil war monument, turn right at that civil war monument, etc. I said to Billy Joe that I've seen enough of their dumb looking monuments to last me a lifetime, including that carving at Stone mountain. I got nothing but complaints about that stupid looking thing.

So I leave and head for the cracker barrel. I get there and they give me a waiter by the name of Luther. Gads, yet another hillbillie with another stupid name. I tell Luther all about my trip over there from the Waffle House. God, on the way there...it was so dirty and polluted. And, oh! The humidity! Even with my air conditioning, I couldn't handle it. I ask Luther for wheat toast...and he say "we aint gots that." So I ask him, "Well then, what do you have, you stuipid hillbilly that cant speak a proper word of english?"

"We gots grits" he answers. So I say to him, in my best faux southern accent, "Well, then...I'll have muhself a smattering of dem grits, y'all."

He disappears into the kitchen, in the meantime, I watch a dumb hillbilly hold the door open for his momma and refer to her as "ma'am." Such dumb manners. I yell out to them "Hey, why don't you hold open your own door, grandma hillbilly?"

Finally Luther returns with my plate of grits and I promptly put some sugar on it to make it taste better.

While I'm eating my sugar coated grits, I tell Luther how much better things are at home for me up North. I also ask him if there is anything better to eat than grits. Luther says "We gots our barbeecue. Best in duh south. Home made sauce an' evurything over an opun fahre."

I tell Luther "You stupid hillbilly, the proper way to cook BBQ is over a gas jet and then smother it in bottled A-1 sauce."

The doctor tells me that the cast and bandages can come off in 8 months.

[jslade]

Well, it's true. It looked like they had all just walked upstairs from Neimans. Dressed to the nines. Beautiful long hair. It must not have been easy being a "boss" in the mid 70's. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

[sweetliberty]

"but the original is pronounced "Co-Cola."

Yep! Here's a few more:

Southern slang, [Y'allbonics]

ANY GOOD SOUTH'NER WORTH THEIR WEIGHT IN PEACHES WILL UNDERSTAND EVERY SINGLE WORD BELOW!

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or y'allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools.

The following are excerpts from the Y'allbonics/English dictionary:
• HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.
• HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage "Heidi, Hire yew?"
• BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow. "Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck."
• JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
• BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
• MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
• THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
• BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
• IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"
• RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
• ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
• FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
• TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
• TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
• RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."
• FAT - (noun), (verb) -- a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
• RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
• CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage "Just set that bare rat cheer."
• FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
• DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did, Jim."
• ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas Oxygen. Usage "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ARE!"
• BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
• JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
• HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."
• SEED - (verb) -- past tense of "to see".
• VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
• GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."

[jslade]

The doctor tells me that the cast and bandages can come off in 8 months.

Sounds to me that you got an ass kickin'! ROFLMAOPIMP!

[tutstar]

too funny!!

[Demidog]

For an intellectual, the southerner who penned this has more spelling errors than a coon has fleas.