Posted on 09/05/2001 10:50:06 AM PDT by parsifal
Noah's Ark Found on Magazine Mountain?
A Branch Arkansas Weekly Tooter World Exclusive
August 30, 2001
John Logan, Reporter
Did Noah's Ark come to rest atop Magazine Mountain, Arkansas? Eugene Scruggs of Bull Patty , Arkansas thinks so. And now an Arkansas Court has refused to intervene. In an exclusive interview with the Tooter, Scruggs claimed, "Well, it sure looks like the Ark. There's these big timbers laying up there on the side of the mountain just below Signal Hill. Now how did them timbers get up there if there warn't no Deluge?"
That is the question a busload of tourists from the First Pentecostal Church of Frimble, Mississippi wanted answered. After responding to an ad in the "Soldiers For Jesus" magazine, and paying $225.00 each to go on Scrugg's "The Lost Ark of Noah Bible Hike", several of the guests felt swindled. They filed suit against Scruggs in Bull Patty Municipal Court.
Because the bus had to leave at 4:00, the case was put on the fast track docket. Bull Patty's sole lawyer, Bill "Mule" Morgan, was already on retainer with Scruggs in the notorious fence moving case reported on just last week. Chester "Bubba" Drawers drove over from Branch to represent the out of state tourists. Judge Stern, recently reinstated to the Arkansas Bar, presided as special judge.
This is as good a trial as this Reporter has seen in quite a while and the full transcript follows:
Drawers: Chester Drawers for the Plaintiffs your Honor.
Morgan: Morgan here for Scruggs, your Honor.
Stern: Well lets all come to order. That bus has got to leave here by four. Chester, you had time to brief yourself on this case?
Drawers: I have your Honor and this thing here is pretty simple. Scruggs is up to his old tricks again, just like moving Pence Sparrows fence a few feet back every year when Pence went on vacation.
Morgan: I object, that ain't relevant.
Drawers: The heck it ain't. Poor Pence's back fence ain't but 6 feet from his back door now..
Stern: Chester, you are sustained against. You know I still got that fence thing under advisement. That's an adverse possession case and character wasn't relevant.
Drawers: I apologize your Honor. Anyway, Scruggs has done went and told these poor pilgrims from Mississippi that Noah's Ark is up there on the mountain. They went and paid $225 a pop to come over here and see it. Scruggs walked 'em all over that mountain in the hot sun and then run 'em by his kid's one dollar a drink lemonade stand. No telling much he made off that. And all the time it wasn't nothing but some old log cabin timbers that has been there forever.
Stern: You say they're from Mississippi?
Morgan: Your Honor, I would like this Honorable Court to take judicial notice of the fact that Mississippi is where they got all them casinos. Them casinos where honest hard-working Arkansans goes and loses to their money to card-sharps, crooked slots, and other loose pursuits.
Drawers: Your Honor! I object. It ain't even his turn. And what does them casinos got to do with this?
Morgan: Its reciprocity your Honor. Full faith and credit.
Drawers: What the hell, Morgan ...
Morgan: Reciprocity your Honor. Got it right here in Black's Law Dictionary. It says , "Mutuality. The term is used to denote the relationship existing between two states when each of them gives the subjects of the other certain privileges, on condition that its own subjects shall enjoy similar privileges at the hands of the latter state." Now as I see it, Your Honor, that imposes on the State of Arkansas an affirmative duty to permit its citizens to provide recreational activities to the citizens of Mississippi...
Drawers: Recreational activities? What recreational activities? Scruggs flatly gulled them poor Christians over here and walked all over the mountain to look at some old broke down log cabin...
Morgan: Your Honor, I would like to voire dir the Plaintiff's.
Drawers: Dang it Mule, you can't voire dir my clients! Your Honor, please...
Stern: Well I admit it is a little unusual, but if they were witnesses he could voire dir, even during your direct... You people there from Mississippi....Any of you witnesses?
Unknown Mississippian: Me and my wife used to be Witnesses, your Honor. But we switched to Pentecostal when the kids got old enough to want Christmas presents.
Stern: That ain't what I meant, but it'll do. Go ahead Mule, er Morgan, and voire dir 'em.
Drawers: Your Honor, I except and I want it noted for appeal.
Stern: So noted. Go ahead Morgan.
Morgan: Will you state your name for the record please?
Unknown Mississippian: My name is Elmer Grant. This here is my wife, Lukey Grant.
Morgan: Now Elmer, have you and your wife had fun on this trip?
Grant: Well we did at first. Until we got up there and saw that "Ark".
Morgan: So you had fun on the drive over here?
Grant: Yes.
Morgan: Did you all sing and talk and socialize with each other?
Grant: Yes. All the old gospel songs. Like, "I Got a Home In Glory Land", and "Do Lord."
Morgan: And did you all have a good dinner over there at Bud's Buffet in Russellville?
Grant: Sure did. Was an all you can eat place.
Morgan: And did the Missus have a good time?
Grant: Well yes.
Morgan: And she didn't have to do no dishes? Washes no clothes? Vacuum?
Grant: Well no. But that don't mean we wanted to spend no $225 to see some old log cabin.
Morgan: But you had fun until then didn't you?
Grant: Well, yeah.
Morgan: And even if you lose this suit, you're going to have fun on the trip back won't you? I mean you Pentecostals is going to sing and fellowship on the way back to Mississippi aren't you?
Grant: Well I suppose so.
Morgan. Now let me ask you this. Do you ever go over to Tunica to those casinos? Like the Lady Luck?
Grant: No, I'm a Pentecostal. Gambling is of the Devil.
Morgan: But you know other people, including lots of hard-working Arkansans go there, don't you?
Grant: Yes.
Morgan: And most of 'em lose their rear ends there don't they?
Grant: Well, generally, as I hear tell.
Morgan: But they come back for more don't they? Why do you reckon that is?
Grant: Well I guess they're having fun. You know gambling, drinking, and running with the Devil.
Morgan: So they're "rec-re-ating" even though they ain't really experiencing much "Lady Luck"?
Elmer: Well, yeah.
Drawers: Your Honor, Morgan here is admitting his client cheated these people and is trying to pass it off through ressipissiprocity. That if Mississippi cheats our folks, its okay for Arkansas to cheat theirs. Morgan: I ain't admitting nothing of the sort your Honor. I'm just arguing in the alternative. But, that all I have for this witness your Honor.
Drawers: Now your Honor, I see where Morgan's going. I admit I didn't when he started, but I do now. But this case ain't got nothing to do ressipissiprocity. It's just your old garden variety fraud. That ain't Noah's Ark up there...
Morgan: Well how do you know it ain't?
Drawers: Well everybody knows it ain't. The Ark come down somewhere over in Turkey. Mount Ararat, I think it was.
Morgan: They ain't never found it over there have they?
Drawers: Not that I know of. But I know darn sure the Jews didn't light off the Ark in the middle of Arkansas.
Morgan: Well how many Jews is there over there in Turkey? Last I heard they was all Ay-rabs over there?
Drawers: Now dang it Morgan! You know that ain't the Ark. Wait a minute...Your Honor can I have a five minute recess?
Stern: Yeah, go ahead. But hurry. Lets keep it moving.
Drawers: Ok, I 'm ready to proceed your Honor. I want to voire dir one of my Plaintiffs here, Reverend Smith.
Stern: Go ahead. Morgan, don't you say nothing. Turn about is fair play.
Drawers: Will you state your name for the record please?
Another Unknown Mississippian: My name is Reverend Josiah Smith.
Drawers: And Brother Smith, what is your occupation?
Smith: Well, during the week I drive a pulpwood truck. On Sundays I lead the congregation in the worship of our Lord.
Drawers: Well, Brother Smith, do you have any knowledge of this here Book?
Stern: Let the record show that Chester is holding up a Bible.
Smith: Yes I do. I read it every day.
Drawers: Now can you give us the dimensions of the Ark as related therein?
Smith: The dimensions is 300 cubits by 50 cubits.
Drawers: Well how much is a cubit?
Smith: Well that depends on whether you mean the Jew cubit or the Egyptian cubit. The Jew cubit is 15 inches thereabouts, and the Eqyptian cubit is about 21 inches?
Drawers: Your Honor, I would like to have Brother Smith here admitted as an expert witness in cubits.
Morgan: Now wait a minute Chester. This is unfair surprise! You didn't say you was voire diring an expert. I object your Honor.
Stern: Morgan, I'm going to overrule you on this one. You can cross examine him when Chester's through.
Drawers: Thank you your Honor. Now Brother Smith, whether you use the Jew cubit or the Egyptian cubit, what is the minimum dimensions of the Ark in American cubits?
Smith: Well, I make it about 375 feet by about 60 feet.
Drawers: Well how big was that "Ark" that Scruggs showed you all?
Smith: It couldn't been no more than 30 feet by about 15 feet.
Drawers: So in your expert opinion, that couldn't have been Noah's Ark, now could it?
Smith: Why heck no. Noah couldn't have fit more than a few horses and cows in there. Maybe some hogs and a chicken or two. There ain't no way that was the Ark. You never would get no elephant in there. It wasn't nothing but an old log cabin that the termites got to.
Drawers: Your Honor, I am through with this witness.
Stern: Morgan, you got any questions?
Morgan: I sure do your Honor. Brother Smith, do you believe in miracles?
Smith. Of course. The Bible is full of them. Miracles, I mean.
Morgan: So can you absolutely, beyond any reasonable doubt, tell this Honorable Court that God couldn't have fit all them animals into an Ark that size if he was of a mind to?
Smith: Well no, I ain't going to say that. But right here in the Bible it says 300...
Morgan: Can I see that Bible? Is that your own personal Bible?
Smith: Yes.
Morgan: Brother Smith, can you read to this the Court?
Drawers: I object your Honor, he has to show me, too.
Morgan: Heck your Honor, its his exhibit.
Stern: Over-ruled. Go ahead there Brother Smith.
Morgan: Now read this page to me.
Smith: This Bible is provided Courtesy of the Gideons...
Morgan: Did you steal this Bible out of a motel room?
Drawers: Your Honor I object. Where Brother Smith got his Bible is his business. We ain't arguing about who owns the Bible, we're arguing about what's in it...
Morgan: Your Honor, if this man here is a Bible thief, I think this Court needs to know about it.
Stern: Morgan, I'm going to over-rule you on this. Smith, did you steal this Bible in Arkansas?
Smith: No your Honor, I got it over in Mississippi. And I didn't steal it. Not on purpose, at least. You know how it is when your pack your bags sometimes and towels and water glasses kinda end up falling in by mistake.
Morgan: Go on Mr. Smith. Answer the question. Could God have crammed them animals into that Ark up there on the mountain if he wanted to?
Smith: (visibly shaken) Yes.
Morgan: Your Honor, I'm going to go ahead and move for a verdict here. Chester can't make his prima facie case. That could be the Ark for all he knows. He sure ain't shown this Court different.
Chester: Your Honor, I admit it's looking grim here for us. But it just ain't right for Scruggs to get away with playing with people's faith they way he did.
Morgan: Your Honor, I think I can end this right here if you'll grant me a little leeway.
Stern: Go ahead.
Morgan: I would like to call Dolores Brown to the stand.
Stern: Miss Brown, would you raise your hand and swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Brown: I do.
Morgan: Miss Brown, can you tell us what happened when the Defendant Scuggs showed you all that Ark up there?
Brown: Well, I started crying when I saw it. Sister Jones and Brother Albert began speaking in tongues. Rose Putney just fell over in a dead faint. The rest of our group was real still and hushed.
Morgan: So for a while you all was in a state of rapture and grace weren't you, Miss Brown?
Brown: I would have to say we were for a few minutes there.
Morgan: Your Honor, what this lawsuit is about is Religious Faith. You know the United States Constitution don't let the State meddle in Religion. I am going to ask that this Court dismiss this action with prejudice and let these people go.
Drawers: Your Honor. I ain't believing this. Scruggs has just cheated these people and Morgan has raised ressipissiprocity, irrelevant Bible Stealing, miracles, and the First Amendment. We ain't even dealt with the fraud issue.
Stern: Well that's your problem. You ain't convinced me that Scruggs has committed fraud. You also ain't made any arguments that has stuck. Have these people paid you your fee?
Drawers: They have your Honor.
Stern: Then I'm dismissing this case. You all have a safe trip back to Mississippi.
"There are more things between Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreampt up in Arkansas."
The fact that there are timbers up there
don't necessitate a Deluge. Ever hear
of "Who goosed the spruce?" And,
tarnation, we know Howard Hughes
built the Spruce Goose his own self,
bein' as to how Noah was no longer
around.
In addition to, and on toppa alla that,
even if you was to stip-you-late to a
Deluge, prone pine does not an
Ark make, even in Arkansas, which
didn't get it's name from the Lands
of Goshen, but from a lost traveller
who insisted 'this are Kansas!'
Guilty as charged! Bailiff, whack his peepee.
BTW, you Can Voire Dir Mississippians -----
"Stern: You say they're from Mississippi?"
"Morgan: Your Honor, I would like to voire dir the Plaintiff's."
"Drawers: Dang it Mule, you can't voire dir my clients! Your Honor, please..."
Arkansans Voire Dir out in the woods all the time. If WE can, so can Mississippians! But then, you knew that.
Not on top of that mountain hill. There ain't nuthin' there 'cept an old burned out CCC camp.
Guess I missed out.
(1) Passing gas
(2) A joke
I would assume this article should have been filed under "humor" as it is obviously just a joke, written by some gas bag.
I wonder how many clicked on the link to the "article"?
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