Because the government is (generally) terrible at its job. That said, the CDC does have guidelines for masks which includes some suggestions about them. But you're right that they should have clearer guidance on which types of masks are better (e.g. properly fitting N95/KN95) and which are worse (e.g. bandanas).
"Why hasn’t the government dictated that every mask must be worn only once before disposing of it?"
Some masks are washable or otherwise reusable. However, better guidance on this would be great. But again, we've known for generations that government is generally just not very good at doing its job.
"Why do you need to have an 8-inch Q-tip stuck way up your nose for Covid testing?"
Because that's how that one particular test works. If you don't like it, design a different test yourself. Yale did just that and now that test using a saliva sample has been granted authorization by the FDA.
"Why can’t you test by breathing on a microscope slide if you could contaminate and infect others within 6 feet?"
Because that would give you massively contaminated samples, lots of false negatives, and it's not how either the nasal swab testing or the Yale saliva testing were designed to work. You don't get to just make up your own testing protocols that haven't been tested, especially when the protocols you're making up are guaranteed to be inaccurate.
"Why must you “social distance” beyond the length of an 8-inch Q-tip? Why must you wear a mask if it is farther away than where a Q-tip tickles your brain?"
Because respiratory droplets are the primary infection transmission vector and they typically travel less than 6 feet. Masks reduce both the volume and the range of respiratory droplets which are normally released while you breathe, talk, shout, cough, sneeze, sing, or otherwise exhale in any sort of forced manner. Here's what masks do (source study here):
"If the invasive Q-tip test is the accurate test, then masks and social distancing do nothing to protect people."
The accuracy of a particular testing protocol has ZERO to do with the mode of infection transmission. That's like saying because there's a urine test for measles, you have to get peed on to catch measles. That's absurd. If you want to catch measles, skip your vaccination for it and just stand within about 10 feet of anyone who has measles. You'll likely become infected within minutes.
You think your questions are some clever way of exposing a grand conspiracy, but they aren't clever and the only thing they're exposing is a lack of basic understanding. This stuff isn't that complicated.