Leadership self forgiveness

Sierra Vista Herald ^ | Dr. Maria Church

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Because forgiveness is a state of being, action is then required to move into that place. Like so many other lessons, avoiding forgiveness is not a static exercise. The resultant anger that follows a confrontation leads to judgment, “He was so mean, disrespectful or vindictive when he did that to me,” or “She is so arrogant that she didn’t even realize she hurt me.” Judgment leads to blame, and blame leads to resentment. Resentment is unresolved anger and it hurts us in many ways, manifesting in stress-related illness, anxiety or depression. Resentment hardens our hearts and paves a pathway to feelings of vengeance. We can lose ourselves in judgment, condemnation and conflict, all the while wondering why we are not happy and content.

Forgiveness is a choice. We take responsibility for our peace of mind and happiness when we choose to forgive. Many leaders contend that if we forgive, it is for the benefit of others. However, the primary advantage to forgiveness is that it benefits the one who chooses to forgive. The primary function is removing ego, which brings us back into our right mind and heart. When we make this choice, we experience a miracle.

The process of experiencing the miracle of forgiveness is a shift in perception. First, we must search ourselves for unsettled feelings of guilt and resolve those issues and forgive ourselves. Then we can turn our perspective outward and project compassion and understanding towards others. Dr. Robin Casarjian describes six steps to practice self-forgiveness in her book, Forgiveness:

Acknowledge the truth.

Take responsibility for what you have done.

Learn from the experience by acknowledging the deeper feelings that motivated the behaviors and thoughts for which you now feel guilty and hold yourself in judgment.

Open your heart to yourself and compassionately listen to the fears and calls for help and acknowledgment deep within.

Heal emotional wounds by heeding the calls in healthy, loving and responsible ways.

Align with yourself and affirm your fundamental innocence.

When practicing self-forgiveness, always remember to be honest and gentle with yourself, suspending harsh judgment, allowing and receiving miracles. The miracle and shift in perception and attitude gives us insight about others and ourselves.

Practice self-forgiveness…why? The reason is just as the old Loreal commercial said, “Because I’m worth it!”

Dr. Maria Church, CPC, is a leadership consultant, speaker, and author of Love-Based Leadership: Transform Your Life with Meaning and Abundance.

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Memories – and Forgiveness

My uncle died when I was about ten, and all I remember is the flight from Atlanta to Miami in a Delta DC-4, and watching the fire come out of the exhaust from the pistons as we labored through the night air. But my mother also had a memory. Her brother had stepped on a nail at a construction site, the wound had become infected and, when they treated him they discovered he was allergic to sulfur. One treatment led to another and he eventually died. Fifty years later, during a family reunion, his widow (now remarried) told us the real story. My college age children were there to hear it. It was long and involved many complicate names for different diagnosis, and it took her over half an hour to tell the whole story. When it was over, my mother pronounced that she liked her story better, and besides, it was easier to remember. So she stuck with it.

The fact is, our memories are our lives, and they are hard to change. We do shape them, and they become cemented through repeated retelling. But something else also happens. They sometimes change “just a little” to reflect better upon us – “me”. This is especially true if our memory is painful or damages our self worth. This is not a bad thing; it is part of what helps us live with ourselves. Memories cannot always be trusted.

I learned something this week (I really needed to say that – at my age that happens less and less often). And that is this: our memory of something is our truth. And this truth, as with my mother, may be immovable even in the face of “facts.” But that is not what is important. What is important is that if someone’s memory shows me doing something hurtful, I need to fix that! And it really does not matter what the “facts” are! Someone has – what is by now – a permanent record in his head that I was wrong. And that must be fixed if we are to be restored as friends in Christ. But how? Do I have to accept his version of the story? Do I have to fight for truth? No!! All I have to do is apologize for the event in his memory. Until his memory hears this, we will not be able to move on. Memories are like that. They have the power to hold us captive to the past. So that’s what I did. I told him I could not change what I remembered, but I agreed to accept his memory as truth (which for him it certainly was), and since I had accepted that as truth, I owed him an apology. And when I did, his memory was healed and we were on the path to a restored friendship. Wow!!

This was totally new to me. It had never occurred to me that we have a responsibility over what others think of us, even if it is wrong. And facts often have little impact, because these memories are the facts. But the memory must be healed – must be restored – or the damage becomes permanent.

The strange thing is, this really wasn’t even hard to do. Because the person in his memory really needed to apologize. So once I moved into his world, the rest for comfortable and easy.

I wrote this because I will probably forget it tomorrow – that is the way memory is. Only trivial stuff lasts forever.