Oh maw ghaw!
I did a bing on ‘butt-hurt salve’ and low and behold, there’s some for sale on Amazon. $12.95 for a 3.53 oz jar. It’s not the Trump brand though :(
https://www.amazon.com/Butt-Hurt-Balm-sensitive-snowflakes/dp/B01I6DN94Q/ref=sr_1_1/154-7137475-6105528?ie=UTF8&qid=1482529389&sr=8-1&keywords=butthurt