Posted on 08/26/2015 6:00:29 AM PDT by billorites
November 19, 1863 - Gettysburg, Pennsylvania - President Abraham Trump delivers his famous address
Thanks. What an incredible crowd. They tell me this is the biggest crowd in the history of the North.
A while back some founders got together. And I mean they were good people but they really didnt know anything about building a country. Cmon, you know, lets face facts. Franklin with his little glasses and Washington with those horrible dentures it was a nightmare. They didnt know what the hell they were doing.
So then everyone comes to me and they say, Please help us were in this terrible mess. And believe me I knew this was gonna happen because our leaders were a total disaster who didnt have a clue how to negotiate. Not the first clue, OK. Its crazy. And I knew em all. Millard Filmore? The guy was a trainwreck. Franklin Pierce? A complete moron. Moron. And then James Buchanan they say dressed up like a woman if you can even believe it. I could tell you stories.
I mean theyre useless but I did business with em because Im a businessman. Its what I do. I traded cotton. I traded tobacco. I built the biggest plantations in the world. In fact Ill tell you a story. Jefferson Davis came to me and begged me begged me to live on a beautiful plantation that I had built in Mississippi. And it was beautiful, everything top notch and luxurious. I mean not the slave cabins cause theyre built for slaves. But everything was great and hes pleading with me and what am I gonna say, No? So I sold it to him for an unbelievable profit. Largest profit ever made on a plantation sale. Hundreds of dollars in profit all pre-Confederate, which two centuries from now will be worth around $10 billion if maybe I decide to leave any to my kids. Who knows. Well see. And I say that not to brag just to give you an idea whats what.
And by the way the slaves love me. Love me. The food portions. The amount of sleep. Theyre nuts about me. If they end up freed when this is all over I will win the slave vote.
Anyway our politicians are the worst, theyre total failures and they didnt let the South go bye bye and so I pick up the paper today and I read Salmon Chase may run against me in 64! This idiot is in my own cabinet. And I like my cabinet, most of them have terrible beards but theyre OK. They follow orders. First of all what kind of name is Salmon? Should be a harpooneer on a whaling ship with a name like that. So I thought to myself, Salmon Chase, isnt he the guy who night and day pleaded for a job with me after I kicked his ass at the convention in 1860? It was. I even found his telegraph number, give it a try see if it works. Dot dot dash dash dash dot dash dot dot dot dash.
And I can just hear the papers: Abrahams attacking again. Hes saying terrible things. No. I say what I say because Im honest. And Im actually doing my job. Not like those nitwits in Washington. I mean Im out here opening a cemetery for Christ sake! And as I look at this place Im thinking, How could there have been so many casualties? Theres rocks and orchards all around, if I had the time Id develop the property, but you cant tell me that if you call yourself a soldier and you hear a shell or something coming you couldnt have found a place to hide. And incidentally, so what, now Meade is some kind of a great general because he defeated Picketts charge? Youre up on a ridge with all your cannons and everything and the other army is walking right toward you. I mean theyre literally walking. Who couldnt win that!
The point is Im up all hours saving the Union and then here we are in this cemetery and Im supposed to do what? Honor the dead? Theyre dead. Theyre losers. How are we in debt to them? I hate to tell you, but I like the guys who didnt die. Ill honor some of them.
And speaking of honoring, they want me to wrap up so they can honor me at a dinner. Im so in demand its insanity half the time. All Im telling you is if youre living everything is for you.
A second rate mockable derision spoof piece about Donald Trump.
Not funny, not worth spit.
I don’t think I’ve seen one thing that is remotely funny on “Funny or Die.”
What would you expect from Will Farrell’s DNC propaganda outlet?
They did a satire of the Planned Parenthood videos last week. Funny or Die, indeed.
Oh relax. It was funny.
We need to laugh. Even at people you might like.
I like Donald Trump. This was not funny.
Here’s funny:
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/3322125/posts
I did not that that was particularly funny. But everyone has their own tastes.
You are in the minority. Have fun sitting in it.
Lighten up, people. It’s called satire and it’s been around for millennia.
That was kinda mockery and kinda satire; but wait! If you act now, I’m gonna give ya two for the price of one: Mock Satire!
Do you know what that means, ladies and gentlemen? You get satire that bears absolutely no resemblance to reality. That’s right; ordinary satire has some elements of truth it it; ours is the only satire that is completely removed from any truth whatsoever. That’s why we alone are qualified to call our product Mock Satire. Accept no substitutes, because there are none. Here’s how to order:
Started off well. Quickly turned to crap. didn’t finish it.
I enjoyed it. That IS the way Trump talks.
I read it. No laughs. This site must have 9th graders writing for them.
“Tis all a matter of taste” (said the lady who kissed the cow)
I don’t just sit in it. I wallow in it. :-)
Anyone could do Trump. Shoot, just read his “speeches” verbatim, with a little attitude. Reads like the Onion.
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