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I was out back picking up apples from under the apple tree. How in the world do those stupid flies find a way to put a worm inside of each and every apple? Humans on an assembly line can only get the engine into a car two out of three times, but those stupid flies find every Apple.
Anyway.
I was picking up apples when a bull squirrel jumped down from a tree and charged me. I knew he was a bull squirrel because he had antlers and nuts. Normally, I’m not too afraid of squirrels. Gophers scare the crap out of me, but squirrels usually don’t. But this was a North American carnivorous Blue Squirrel.
I know the forest rangers tell you to drop and play dead when one charges you, but sometimes, instinct just takes over. I ran screaming like a little girl. I know that because that’s what my wife said I sounded like. She let the four dogs out the back door to save me.
This squirrel had evidently had some martial arts training. He must have been a black belt in Squirrel-Kwon-Do. The girl dog got to him first and he flipped her. The two dog brothers tried to tag-team the squirrel, but the squirrel pulled out some numchucks. He threw the numchucks and the two brothers took off to play with them. That left the little dog. Normally, he’s pretty tricky. He’s locked me out of the house seven or eight times. I thought this would be a good match. The squirrel started waving his arms and chattering and that stupid traitor dog ran back into the house. I think the squirrel promised him some kind of IRA retirement plan.
Well, I hadn’t just been standing there with my mouth open. Actually, I had been for awhile, but then I saw a rake and grabbed it for protection. That bull squirrel just laughed. I took a swing at him with the rake and he jumped on top of the head of the rake. I don’t know about you, but the thought of a squirrel running up a rake handle is very frightening to me. I screamed and dropped the rake.
Mrs. Squirrel came out and must have told the bull squirrel to quit playing around. He flipped me off and grabbed an apple off the ground. Then it came to me. I could hire the squirrels to pick up the apples!
I’m now the CEO of Squirrel Pickers, Inc. my wife calls me The Head Nut. Don’t laugh. Those squirrels are hard workers and they work for peanuts. And with Obamacare, they get the same medical care that I get from the VA. The only problem is that they sleep all winter. I mean the squirrels, not the VA. I think the VA sleeps year round.