News! As we here at CNN, the most trusted cable news channel ever in the whole history of the world, have been saying for days... 
bombing suspect number 2 is in custody!
Okay, we got Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, now have your wife go out on the balcony... 
and fire her double barrel shotgun into the air!
Best cool that, Joe... 
better to have them take a steak knife out on the balcony and shout "Allahu A--" Ehh-- "God is cool. Nearly as cool as President Obama who single handed talked Dzhokhar into surrendering."
It is as I have been telling you ever since the bombing happened, these two Tsarnaev brothers are certainly Tea Party folk... 
that cling to their guns, religion and pressure cookers.
Damn right, David, We got them two white... 
sons-of-bitches that were forced to do evil by all the Tea Party propaganda!
Had we taken away all the guns and pressure cookers, like I have been saying is only right and proper... 
this would not have happened!
The liberal agenda and coming police state... 
has triumphed once more!
You just heard President Obama speak... 
on the capture of Bombing Suspect Number Two--
"I got Osama bin Laden! Now I got Dzhokhar Tsarnaev!" said... 
President Obama tonight.
He went on to thanks all the little people who allowed the President to find Dzhokhar Tsarnaev... 
and subdue him with only his ever so beautiful speaking talent.
We now return you to your regular scheduled CNN program of self-applauding... 
this has been Ken Brockman reporting!
No, you just cannot make this stuff... 
up!