Wed column ping
Please, John Kerry, just go away!
By Howie Carr | Wednesday, November 14, 2012 | http://www.bostonherald.com | Columnists
Photo by Chitose Suzuki
Finally, a silver lining in the dark cloud of last week’s election returns.
John “Liveshot” Kerry is in the running to become secretary of defense, which means he wouldn’t be a senator from Massachusetts anymore.
Please God, let it happen. How can we miss him when he won’t go away?
Twenty-eight years in the Senate, and name me one thing he’s done. Go ahead, take your time, and by the way, marrying gold digger Mama T doesn’t count.
Nobody has ever denied that when it comes to his trade — gigolo — John Forbes Kerry is one of the all-time greats. He’s in the Gigolo Hall of Fame. See, a really good gigolo might snag one heiress in a lifetime with a nine-figure trust fund. Kerry has married two. When it comes to gigolos, he’s Steve Jobs.
And now, having never worked a day in his life, he is the richest senator of them all, thanks to his second wife’s first husband’s trust fund.
Senator, when the president calls, you can’t turn him down. Remember that. You served in Vietnam —President Nixon sent you to Cambodia at Christmas 1968, four weeks before he became president. I heard you say that.
Think of Liveshot’s great quotes, and I don’t just mean the endless “botched jokes,” as he calls them.
At the ribbon-cutting of the Big Dig: “This tunnel will be a bargain.”
In Ohio, at the end of the 2004 campaign: “Can I get me a hunting license here?”
Favorite Red Sox [team stats] player: “Manny Ortez.”
Reading a late baseball score at a campaign rally: “Detroit 2, Red Sox 3.”
Or, “I voted for the $87 billion before I voted against the $87 billion.”
Then there’s his most commonly quoted statement, most often uttered at airports and ice cream stands and clam shacks and everywhere else where a line has formed and he doesn’t feel like standing in it behind the plebeians: “Do you know who I am?”
Then there was the evening on Nantucket when he posed with all the young chicks sipping their drinks with penis straws.
This is the only guy in the world who claims to have once run the Boston marathon, but can’t remember the year. He’s also the only nimrod who says he had a 24-point buck in his sights down on the Cape, but couldn’t bring himself to pull the trigger.
Remember in 1971, when he threw somebody else’s medals over the White House wall? This is a guy whose second wife’s first husband’s trust fund provides him with five mansions, SUVs at each location and a private plane called the Flying Squirrel — and he’s extremely concerned about carbon footprints. Your carbon footprint, not his.
Liveshot, you don’t have to go home, wherever home really is, but you can’t stay here any longer. If they offer you the defense job, take it. As Oliver Cromwell told the Long Parliament in 1653, “In the name of God, go!”
And take your $8 million yacht that you didn’t pay the state sales tax on with you.
Article URL: http://www.bostonherald.com/news/columnists/view.bg?articleid=1061174640
Fri column ping
Tim Murray’s ambitions could crash and burn
By Howie Carr | Friday, November 16, 2012 | http://www.bostonherald.com | Columnists
Photo by Mark Garfinkel
So Lt. Gov. Tim “Crash” Murray “would like” to be governor?
I’d say the little fella’s getting a bit ahead of himself here. It doesn’t matter what he likes, what counts is how much his old pal and alleged fundraiser Mike McLaughlin “likes” him — especially if what we’re all expecting to happen to the former $360,000-a-year head of the Chelsea Housing Authority does indeed occur in the coming months.
In which case, the question isn’t, “Can Tim win?” Then the question is, “Will Mike stand up?”
As someone who has known Mike McLaughlin for a long time, my prediction is no. I would also say that if I were McLaughlin’s attorney, I’d be very pleased with Timmy’s speech yesterday before the Greater Boston Chamber of Commerce. The higher someone’s profile, the easier it is for a defendant to trade him up to the feds. Mr. Big is always a better catch than Mr. Small.
Crash’s problem is, Mike McLaughlin attached himself to Murray like a boil. They talked more often than Gen. Allen and Jill Kelley. Murray claims he knew nothing about McLaughlin’s rather dodgy past as a state rep, Middlesex county commissioner and then appointed hack. Murray’s ignorance seems hard to believe, but remember, Crash is at heart a city councilor — a Worcester city councilor at that. It took him three tries to pass the bar exam.
But let’s stipulate that, as preposterous as it seems, Murray had no idea who, or what, McLaughlin was. And Mike’s son only got the $60,000 job at the Registry after a nationwide search.
But check out Tiny Tim’s reports to the Office of Campaign and Political Finance. He’s paying one lawyer $6,000 a month. Then there’s also Donald Stearns, the former U.S. attorney. He puts in a bill every once in a while. It’s unusual when you start running for governor and your biggest expenses are legal bills.
Forget the mysterious accident in Sterling that the state police tried to cover up for months. Forget his ever-changing accounts of what happened. Murray still hasn’t released his cellphone records. We don’t know who Crash Murray was talking to in the pre-dawn hours last November just before his Crown Vic achieved liftoff.
And what are his qualifications? Mayor of Worcester? Please, number one, that’s a ceremonial position. Number two, have you driven through Worcester lately?
Of course, you know what Tiny Tim must be thinking. If Johnny Pockets Tierney can get re-elected, if Liz Warren can win after lying about being a minority, then anyone can win as long as they have a “D” after their name.
Maybe, maybe not. What do you think, Mike McLaughlin?
Article URL: http://www.bostonherald.com/news/columnists/view.bg?articleid=1061175097