- Apostle Heber C. Kimball, Journal of Discourses, v. 4, p. 375;
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Monday, Oct 12, 2009, at 07:58 AM Dear Mr. Oaks: Family, Isn't It About Time? Original Author(s): Moniker DALLIN H. OAKS - SECTION 2 -Guid- |
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| Dear Mr. Oaks, I listened to your conference address and have felt the effects of your talk in my personal life. I feel compelled to let you know the actions your words have caused in my life. I did not leave the Mormon church because of any personal offenses by my family or friends within the church. Choosing to leave the Mormon faith was a very difficult decision for me. I was obeying all of the commandments at the time that I started researching Mormon literature and history to find the truths for myself. I was simply following Joseph Smith's example, by searching the truth of religion. I was sad to realize how untrue the church was, after reading the Church's early documents. I had loving and supportive parents. Even though I knew they would be disappointed, I did not think my family would shun me the way they did when I told them my thoughts about the church. I was expecting them to still love me unconditionally. I was very disappointed. They used all kinds of threats and manipulation to get me to go back to church. When my mom died and we were dressing her body, my dad took the opportunity as a missionary lesson and said, "If you go to the temple again, you will be able to see her again. If not, you will never, ever see her again." This was a very horrible thing to say to a daughter who has just lost her best friend, her mother. It really hurt me. This and being left out of family get-togethers or barely being tolerated, simply because of my beliefs, helped me to see even more clearly what my family members' true colors were. Before this experience with my family, I was so torn about what to do concerning the church. On the one hand, I did not like to live a lie by participating in an organization I did not agree with and that I thought was corrupt. On the other hand, I couldn't reconcile how a corrupt organization could have so many wonderful people as members. I looked up to and admired many mormon friends, family members and professors. However, when my friends and family turned away from me because of my beliefs, my previous notions about the people within the church were shattered. It was a testimony to me of what a corrupt organization can do to otherwise loving and good people. In your talk, you claimed that a parent who keeps loving a child unconditionally, when that child is not "obeying the law", knows nothing of love. I disagree and feel that you know nothing about love. Firstly, your belief in your church is not "the law". It is a belief that you are free to have. A child who has a belief differing from yours is not "wayward" and is in need of neither fixing nor manipulating, especially not when one's child is an adult, as you suggested. Adult children should be free to choose their own religious belief system without expecting to be shunned or chastised by their family. Secondly, parental love does not know conditions or bounds. It does not manipulate. A family is supposed to stick together, through good and hard times and no matter what the individual members' beliefs are or aren't. A divided family is not a functional family. You suggested that although being seperated from family members who are not believing or living all of your church's teachings is painful for the righteous Mormons, it is sometimes necessary. I find this instruction to the members of your church to be hurtful. The personal effects are devestating and very painful to many Exmormons. Since leaving the church and Utah, I have met many wonderful families. I'm envious of the loving, unconditional love and respect they show each other. I never saw this at this level with Mormon families. Since Mormons claim to have cornered the market on perfect families, this fallacy is even more difficult to digest. Your talk had very interesting timing for me personally. I am of pioneer stock and all of my family members are very active in your church. I am a BYU graduate. I served way beyond what was asked of me within your church. I tell you this before you scoff to yourself and think, "I'm glad a loser like her is out of my church anyway." I am a good person and was a good Mormon. I was such a great daughter, sister and aunt. My family was my world and I love them more than I will ever be able to express in words. However, my son is my closest family member and I have to consider his needs in life first, above all else. I simply cannot expose him to the hurt of my family. I don't want him to be shunned and manipulated by family members the way I was. I think that not having an extended family is better than having a very hurtful, caustic one. There is not a place in my family for people who do not believe as they believe. It is very sad to not have any grandparents for my darling baby though. They don't get to hear his first words or see his first steps. They don't get hand colored scribbles of "I love you" in the mail. My son doesn't get to see them at Christmas or to play with his many cousins. I was so sad about this recently, that I was considering letting them back into my life, even after the very hurtful ways they treated me, simply for being true to my own belief system. I was starting to talk to my dad again by phone and email. I was skeptical because of how much he hurt me and proved to me that my family really wasn't a family at all. However, I did not want to deprive my baby of an extended family, so I was willing to have an open mind and heart about my family and give them another chance. There was another reason for opening the door to my family again: I loved them unconditionally. I love them so deeply and truly that it hurts because they continually put their religious beliefs before their love for me. These are the reasons why I opened myself back up to them again. I was treading lightly and using caution though, as I did not want to hurt my son indirectly, through my family's almost sociopathic need to "follow their leaders". Then came your talk! Next came my family's horrible attacks on my character and my own little family. I once again am reminded of the pain the Mormon church leaves in its wake. I don't need to go through that pain again. I don't need my son to think this is the way a family is supposed to behave. I will teach him how loving family members treat each other through my unconditional love for him. He will know me by my fruits. I am grateful for my family in that they have taught me exactly how not to be in raising my own family. I have learned much from them. I'm very happy to be at even more peace than ever with my decision to leave the Mormon church. I have no doubt at all now that it was the right thing to do. The evidence of how corrupt and unloving the Mormon church is has been impossible to ignore lately. I used to love it and it pained me to have it out of my life, even after it no longer represented any kind of truth for me. Now, I am at peace because I have watched the behavior of many Mormons long enough now to see how a corrupt organization turns love into a perverse concept. I am finally free of the guilt I had in keeping my son from my family. They are the ones keeping themselves from him. I would be an idiot to give them another chance. Thank you for your talk and especially for the timing of it. My son's life will be richly blessed because of it. Sincerely, A Loving Exmormon Mom |
Dallin H Oaks
Parents should also remember the Lord’s frequent teaching that “whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth” (Hebrews 12:6).13 In his conference talk on tolerance and love, Elder Russell M. Nelson taught that “real love for the sinner may compel courageous confrontation—not acquiescence! Real love does not support self-destructing behavior.”14
Wherever the line is drawn between the power of love and the force of law, the breaking of commandments is certain to impact loving family relationships. Jesus taught:
“Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division:
“For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three.
“The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother” (Luke 12:51–53).
This sobering teaching reminds us that when family members are not united in striving to keep the commandments of God, there will be divisions. We do all that we can to avoid impairing loving relationships, but sometimes it happens after all we can do.
A staunch CONSERVATIVE like Jeff or some sterile old QUOTES from MORMON leaders?