Excellent! Perfect style and deadpan humor.
A couple of years ago, I MC’d a roast for a departing female employee at General Dynamics. To make certain there was no possibliy of insulting anybody, I had two senor employees read the speech, it was full of veiled innuendoes along the lines of, “is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”
A manager who was trying to get me fired got two other employees to certify that, although they were not offended that “somebody” might have been offended and that a third party overhearing the speech, which was given in a large restaurant, might perceive it as sexist and hateful. I was never faced by my accusers, who were kept secret from me. I was never interviewed, nor was anybody else in the group. An “investigation” determined I had violated the company sexual harassment policy which read, in part, that by definition, speech was harassment if an uninvolved third party thought it was harassment. (Or, in this case “might” have thought it was harassment. At the time, none of us had read, been trained on or even knew about the harassment policy.) I was to be fired because this good-bye party was declared a company function.
I pointed out that a company function required a company official who could sign the company into liability declared it a company function. The Christmas party was a company function. Every company function required additional liability insurance. If GD fired me because I had used company email and that constituted a company function, then they were accepting the liability for every meeting of employees in bars without the company even being aware such liability had been incurred. The company lawyer agreed so I got written up instead.
The end result is I never attended another company event. I never talked to anybody unless I had to. I withdrew as much as possible to protect myself from third party over-hearers.