Text of the [Crypto-Mulsim, Hamas-Loving ]President’s Middle East Speech

...The United States believes that negotiations should result in two states, with permanent Palestinian borders with Israel, Jordan, and Egypt, and permanent Israeli borders with Palestine. The borders of Israel and Palestine should be based on the 1967 lines with mutually agreed swaps, so that secure and recognized borders are established for both states. The Palestinian people must have the right to govern themselves, and reach their potential, in a sovereign and contiguous state.

As for security, every state has the right to self-defense, and Israel must be able to defend itself – by itself – against any threat. Provisions must also be robust enough to prevent a resurgence of terrorism; to stop the infiltration of weapons; and to provide effective border security. The full and phased withdrawal of Israeli military forces should be coordinated with the assumption of Palestinian security responsibility in a sovereign, non-militarized state.

translated into English:

Today, Pharoah Barack Obama I emerged from his luxurious palace beside the Nile, and addressed his subjects (the peoples of earth) thus, in so doing earning a B- from his high school civics teacher.

Peoples of earth, once again I hover before you and you tremble with a combination of anticipation and ecstacy. Now if I could get Michelle to do that, things would be good all round. (much laughter)

As you know, I have been god I mean president for about two years now, and did you hear, I caught Osama bin Laden. Caught him, killed him. He dead. He feedin de fishes.

Besides that, I have also been the hidden inspiration of what many are now calling Arab spring, and will be calling Arab bummer, as the death toll mounts.

Now, Arab spring is a longing to be free, of Israel, but we’re not supposed to mention that. Yet. For the time being, we have seen these monumental changes. Some guy in Tunisia burned himself to a crisp. Mubarak has had to change his phone number. Gadhafi is pissed off. Bashir el-Assad has gone nuts and is running people over with tanks. Last time somebody did that was in Tienanmen Square, and people around the world remember how America stood up at that time and said, “don’t do that, don’t do that bro.”

But they did it anyway, and this time will probably end about the same way, except, and here’s where I change the direction in which I’m looking and pretend to be talking to people over here, and I wag my finger, this time we will be hoping that people who have sat around doing butkus for fourteen centuries will suddenly become players. So far, their total economy is the same size as Switzerland’s, and they have killed even less Jews. But rather than that being a teachable moment for me, I’m making it a teachable moment for you — if America gets itself even more into debt, these people will almost without a doubt enjoy an economic, cultural and political renaissance the likes of which has been seen all over the place before, probably because there were no Muslims around.

Whoops, I wasn’t supposed to mention that. In America, we have religious freedom and it doesn’t matter if you’re Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Sikh, Buddhist, or whatever, you’re wrong. You were supposed to be a secular humanist, because that makes it a lot easier to ignore stuff like whether God exists or not, something that I have probably clarified for you just by giving this speech.

Now, we must proceed case by case. In the case of Libya, game over for Muammar Gadhafi, a guy who spells his name that many different ways has got to go. Out to sea, across the desert, I don’t care. Just go. In the case of Syria, Bashir el-Assad has three choices. He can either lead change, or get out of the way. And there is a third choice but I won’t mention what that is. I’m also going to give a shout out to the folks in Tehran, if you want to keep dying for freedom, feel free, because we won’t stop you. And now for a real contradiction, I don’t agree with what we did in Iraq, but it worked out pretty good and we’ll continue to support it. How’s that for logic?

Now, let’s say you’re looking at the case of Saudi Arabia, which is run by a bunch of corrupt old men, assisted by a bunch of corrupt young men. Well they have oil, and lots of it. So we won’t be fanning the flames of freedom there just yet, let’s wait til the oil runs out and then try our luck with that one, okay? But Bahrain? Here’s my plan. Rulers of Bahrain, and you know who you are, make nice with everybody, even the Iranian secret agents sent in to turn your oasis of sanity into another Shi’ite hell-hole. But don’t make so nice that they easily get to do that. Okay? Can you folks see how I got all those As at Harvard now? If I was there?

Wanna see my birth certificate? I just ran off a fresh copy. Look, says right here, born in Hawaii.

Just wanted to say in passing, I am going to pretend not to notice that Islam is a non-starter and probably the cause of 99% of this trouble, because if we accept that, then we’ll know better than to get rid of smart guys like Mubarak. But as you can see from the example of Egypt, it takes a certain amount of time for our illusions to break down completely. For the time being, there is still a sort of faint afterglow of false hope and unfounded optimism that will only be dashed when full-scale sectarian violence and support for murderous terrorism erupts as a consequence of free and fair elections. So at least there will be free and fair elections, and we can say, America did its part. Sorry Jews. And Coptic Christians. And western tourists. Oh well, nothing was ever going to be easy.

Now, peace between the Israelis and Palestinians. That should be easy. Nobody found a way to bring this about for the past sixty-four years, but that’s because only white guys were involved. A half-black, half-Arab, half-white, and I say that because I’m more than just one man, from Chicago, and nothing says democratic politics like Chicago, will easily solve this one — just like each other, stop killing, and retreat to behind the 1967 borders which were the ones from which you emerged once upon a time to hate and kill. And leave Jerusalem and actual justice and stuff until later, like after I’m gone and Hillary inherits this mess.

Thank you, and enjoy the peace, prosperity and general good will which is sure to follow this earth-shaking announcement of my incredibly naive world view. I am late for class and must run now. Did I do good?

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