I think you are wrong on many counts. The very author of the relevant part of the 14th amendment, Senator Jacob Howard, said, in relation to the 14th amendment, that:
“[The 14th amendment] will not, of course, include persons born in the United States who are foreigners, aliens, who belong to the families of ambassadors or foreign ministers accredited to the government of the United States, but will include every other class of person.”
Based on the printed opinion of the AUTHOR HIMSELF, aliens, whether legal or illegal, would not be covered by the 14th amendment.
Further, your statement that:
“we do in fact put illegals in jail and sometimes deport them. That’s not the sort of thing you can do to people who are not subject to your jurisdiction, a classification reserved for diplomats and members of invading armies.”
Is factually untrue. We do, in fact, “deport” diplomats on occasion (though it may be called “repatriation”), and members of invading armies have, in fact, been imprisoned, and later deported / repatriated.
“Is factually untrue. We do, in fact, ‘deport’ diplomats on occasion (though it may be called ‘repatriation’)”
When I say we don’t do to diplomats what we do to illegals, I don’t mean to imply that diplomats are immune to all laws. But they are immune to some, which puts them in a different class. To take the most famous example, diplomats may be free to ignore fines assessed for parking infractions, whereas illegals are assumed to be liable for such violations.
“members of invading armies have, in fact, been imprisoned, and later deported / repatriated”
Yes, but of course they must be made to surrender first. And even then, we don’t treat them like we do all other criminals (that is, we only grant them what rights we see fit).