Jesus Loves Your Crappy Videos (Morford Barf Alert)

Behold GodTube.com, the place where sex, humor and warm spiritual inclusiveness go to die

This is, after all, the big conservative lament. It's like you can't hit your Gizmodo or your Fleshbot or your Savage Love without running smack into some well-read, free-thinking pseudo-hipster gleefully expounding on the joys of anal sex or a recent hilarious Jon Stewart/"Daily Show" riff or offering up a link to some dark, brilliant Polish anti-war animation. Horrible!

Or maybe it's a hot sex blogger slapping Fox News for being such an obvious bastion of hateful sexist homophobic right-wing moronism, or some hip design blog talking about the sad homogeneity of conservative fashion sense, maybe you're innocently cruising MySpace personals with your Bible and your GOP handbook and you just can't escape all the neo-pagan urban lefties who absolutely refuse to be appropriately terrified by, say, gay marriage, or foreign people, or, you know, God.

Oh, it gets worse. Hell, as any good Christian will tell you, the Net is packed like a perky Vegas whorehouse with godless heathens, too: perverts and nonbelievers and hyper-intelligent Buddhists and smart-ass Wiccans, yoga lovers and kinky reformed Catholics and delightful "spiritual cowgirls" who would no more kneel at the altar of wholesome Christian values than they'd eat a stack of greasy McDonald's Filet-O-Fishes and eight pounds of deep-fried Snickers bars and move to Alabama and get diabetes and call themselves a patriot.

Let’s play “Beat the Left-Wing Loser at His Own Game”

Tired of all those damn freedom-loving, independent-thinking right-wingers who actually work for a living instead of sucking on the welfare boob like a giant leech? Then LeninTube.com is for you. LeninTube is named after our liberal deity, the Brave Bloodthirsty Bolshevik Butcher of the Barbaric Bourgeoisie Hordes, V.I. Lenin himself.

After having to be around all those icky conservatives who support their troops, treat people with respect, and teach their sons and daughters how to defend themselves, LeninTube will be like a breath of fresh, marijuana-filled air. Here, armed with their Little Red Books and their NPR book bags, eager hordes of unwashed and ignorant leftists can make videos to promote their favorite causes, such as starving peasants to death, molesting little children, and driving Oldsmobiles off bridges. You can also fight the People’s Fight (TM) against the many manifestations of evil right-wingism, such as the Boy Scouts, heterosexual couples, and the American flag.

Select a corner of your home (your mother’s basement) to place a shrine to the Blessed Lenin, and feel free to worship in your standard attire of dirty underwear, hairy back exposed. Then go upstairs and hug your mother, because she’s the only woman who will ever hug you (and since she/he/it is also a trannie, the only man who will ever hug you. Don’t try to sexually chase the little children on the playground - many of our liberal brothers and sisters are in prison for doing that).

Come join us, comrades, because the Net is full of real cowgirls who will never happily display their unshaven armpits as they stuff their faces with tofu, magic mushrooms, and LSD, shack up with that 250-pound bulldyke named Horseface, and move to San Francisco and declare that dissent is the highest form of patriotism, until President-for-Life Hillary Clinton takes office, when it will become an offense punishable by the death penalty they currently hate so much.

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