Replies

Democrats to Ban ‘Global War on Terror’

April 7, 2007

The House of Representatives Armed Services Committee Chairman, Ike Skelton (D-Mo.), announced that the phrase “global war on terror” will no longer be tolerated in his committee. “Ever since President Bush introduced the phrase ‘global war on terror’ there’s been nothing but trouble in the world,” Skelton said. “The phrase magnifies the problem and terrorizes the population.”

By banning the phrase Skelton said he hopes to “restore the sense of calm and peace that prevailed during the first Clinton Administration.” “When Bill Clinton was president there was no war on terror. People felt safe. We want them to feel safe again. The first step in restoring this sense of tranquility is to change the way we talk about the world. If we don’t call it a war it won’t seem as scary or important. Eventually, we can forget about it and return to a normal life.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) blasted the plan to ban the use of “global War on Terror” phrasing. “The notion that making the American people feel secure by softening our semantics fulfills our responsibility to provide for their security is idiotic,” Boehner complained. “The terrorists know they are at war with us. Pretending we aren’t at war, as the Democrats would have us do, isn’t going to persuade al-Qaeda to stop scheming to kill us.”

Skelton brushed Boehner’s criticisms aside as “the whines of a ‘sore loser.’ “Voters are tired of the war,” Skelton said. “It’s time to ‘change the channel’ so to speak. That’s what we were elected to do. It’s what we intend to do.”

Polls seem to support the Democrats on this issue. A USA Today/Gallup poll found that a majority of voters want the war to end. “It’s had its run,” said Willy Laufen, a poll respondent from Los Angeles. “It’s time for something new.”

“The war is so boring,” said Mona Lott, a respondent from Boston. “I missed an important segment of ‘Lost’ because Bush had to make another stupid speech about freedom and democracy. What about my freedom to watch what I want on TV?”

Pelosi Proclaims Self “America’s Prime Minister”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.), self-proclaimed “most powerful woman in the world,” presented herself to Syrian President Bashar Assad as “America’s virtual Prime Minister” in a bid to “build the bridges called for in the Iraq Study Group report.” “I explained to President Assad that while President Bush is still nominally the American head-of-state he has been reduced to a largely ceremonial role now that my party controls both houses of congress,” Pelosi said. “President Assad agreed we need a new direction in American foreign policy. I felt there was some real bonding going on.”

Assad welcomed Pelosi’s visit and expressed hope that they could work together on “matters of mutual interest.” “I am confident that Speaker Pelosi and I share similar views on a wide range of issues,” Assad declared. “I think we both agree that Mr. Bush is a destabilizing influence in the Middle East and see the need to neutralize that influence.”

Pelosi’s donning of the hijab (a head scarf prescribed by the Quran for the protection of feminine modesty) garnered widespread praise in the region. “This prominent American female has shown a willingness to take a first step toward Islam,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “I said the Americans must change their behavior and mend their ways. I have told them what they have to do, and I am glad to see that the American Prime Minister is beginning to comply. We can only hope this is a harbinger of the greater transformation yet to come.”

In related news, Pelosi’s inquiry regarding Saudi Arabia’s lack of female politicians was laughed off by Saudi officials. “The women in our country are not whores,” Prince Farsic al-Saud, Deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs snorted. “They are at home tending to their families.”