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ITEMIZED FLAK (a little humor from Firehat) ^ | 2005-08-12 | Norman Liebmann

Posted on 08/16/2005 2:51:48 PM PDT by Maria S

All these billions of dollar spent on space exploration will be well worth it if NASA succeeds in finding the answer to the problem of where to put the homeless.

Jane Fonda will be touring the nation in a bus instead of her car to avoid the possibility of getting pulled over and having to explain to a State Trooper why she has a North Vietnamese driver’s license.

The way to bring out the worst in any twelve people chosen at random is to empanel them as a jury. Some of the Michael Jackson jurors took even less time than anyone expected to rat each other out.

If the ACLU had its way, Charles Manson would be serving out his sentence in the Betty Ford Clinic.

There isn’t much competence going around lately.

Political correctness is the warped product of a faculty lounge mentality.

A sure way to bring Communist China to its knees is to have the ACLU open an office there and tell them what they’re doing wrong.

Much becomes understandable about the inclinations of journalists when you consider during the Nazi Era the German press considered itself mainstream. Not for nothing did the gang at the Ministry of Propaganda call Joseph Goebbels “Scoop”. (The Germans are now ecstatic because they have a German Pope. We might remind you that is precisely what they thought Hitler was.)

The Valerie Plame “outing” commotion turned out to be all Hamburger Helper and no Hamburger. Valerie is the spy that came in from the cold and spent the next six years in the CIA powder room making sure her lips were on straight.

The only thing worse than being John F. and Teresa Heinz Kerry would be living next door to them.

The hatred of Israel by Islam is not because they are Jews but because they are civilized.

This year’s most highly coveted prize passed out by the Inner City cognoscenti is the award for Best Performance on Surveillance Tape.

Despite their ostentatious displays of devotion to each other, if the law ever catches up with Bill and Hillary Clinton, you can bet they will demand separate cells.

If Bedford Falls was in Arkansas, George Bailey would have looted the Savings and Loan, deserted his wife and children, and Frank Capra would have renamed the movie "Life's A Bummer".

Inside every Jesse Jackson there’s a drowning man lying to a crowd.

Aruba is a landfill at a stand still.

As long as Dick Durbin is around, Allah will not need to hire a press agent.

Once the most beautiful city in America, the “free spirits” of San Francisco have given it the ambience of the Versailles Palace - after the servants forgot to change the aristocrats’ straw.

Helen Thomas says she will kill herself if Dick Cheney runs for President. It is disappointing that she decided to wait for the last moment. Thomas looks like what you see when you break open a bad walnut. La Thomas could make a fortune posing for goalie masks.

Despite their reputations as great entertainers, the civil rights movement finally managed to produce a whole generation of boring black people.

If the Bush Administration is going to keep our military in Iraq playing defense, let’s ask them to at least send in Dick Butkus.

One of the unforgivable things about compassion is that it is unbearably gradual - a characteristic that is acceptable only when pouring maple syrup.

You can’t get even with computers. They’ve already taken their revenge.

The mainstream media is a disease that is doing its best to stay communicable.

Every Imam’s beard is a rehab center for recovering maggots.

“Rap” music is a cross between doggerel and vomiting.

Janet Reno is what happens when you forget to close the latch on the gate at Jurassic Park.

Training United States Marines to be compassionate is like making tapioca pudding in a cement mixer.

If the State of Arkansas becomes any more of an environmental hazard they’ll have to bury it in Nevada.

It’s amazing how so many African nations were able to sink into such extreme poverty without Jesse Jackson’s guidance.

It seems logical that suicide bombers celebrate the birth of a child by passing out exploding cigars. (“Congratulate me. It’s a boom!”)

It takes fifty two Sundays a year to remind us to be moral. In Washington that’s not enough Sundays.

The term "Radical Islam" is redundancy in overkill.

Wasn’t it Bill Clinton who said, “When in doubt, sacrifice integrity – and when not in doubt, sacrifice it anyway?

Al Gore finally admitted he didn’t invent the elevator, but it was his idea to have the numbers on the elevator buttons correspond with the numbers of the floors.

A prominent pediatrician says the three most harmful childhood diseases these days are measles, mumps, and social promotion.

A solid argument can be made that journalists should have term limits – to go with their intellectual ones.

The anniversary of D-Day on June 6th reminded us that Hitler killed fifty million people and left most of Europe's cities in ruins. To no one’s surprise, the German people have begun to ask themselves, "But what has he done for us lately?"

When Geraldo Rivera’s kid asks him, "What did you do in the war, Daddy?" he can always say “I wore an arm band that said "Media."

It is characteristic of TV journalism roundtable discussions, the rounder the table, the left-er the journalists.

If unchecked, cultural diversity will eventually turn the America into one big The Price is Right audience.

NASA is planning to launch a bum into orbit to squeegee all future shuttles' windshields.

There is increased historical evidence that the decline and fall of its Empire accelerated in its descent when it began to have more Roman lawyers than Roman legions. (Rome was not the quickest polity to become decadent. Consider how expeditiously the Brits went from Lloyd George to Boy George.)

Hillary Clinton has already made up her "short list" which refers to the times she intends to tell the truth. Lists don’t get any shorter than that.

It is always unfortunate when America loses a friend. PeterJennings was never in that category.

If the mainstream media ever admits Bill Clinton raped Juanita Broaddrick, they’ll find a way to infer that Matt Drudge held her down.

If you ever need to call the paramedics don’t use AT&T. They have trouble doing anything that involves numbers.

and this …

It is time to throw a nuclear wrench into the Islam death machine.

TOPICS: Culture/Society; Miscellaneous; News/Current Events; Political Humor/Cartoons

1 posted on 08/16/2005 2:51:49 PM PDT by Maria S
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To: Maria S

"It is time to throw a nuclear wrench into the Islam death machine."

Beautiful thought!

2 posted on 08/16/2005 3:04:47 PM PDT by ncountylee (Dead terrorists smell like victory)
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To: ncountylee
It is always unfortunate when America loses a friend. Peter Jennings was never in that category.


3 posted on 08/16/2005 4:00:44 PM PDT by upchuck ("If our nation be destroyed, it would be from the judiciary." ~ Thomas Jefferson)
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To: upchuck

Peter Jennings was an uneducated, male 'bimbo' tool of the left. Rest in peace Peter, the left can't make a fool of you any longer.

4 posted on 08/16/2005 4:21:52 PM PDT by ncountylee (Dead terrorists smell like victory)
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To: Maria S

Norman Liebmann bump!

These are hilarious!

5 posted on 08/16/2005 6:38:59 PM PDT by Theresawithanh (As long as Dean's the head of the D-N-C, it just looks better for the G-O-P!!)
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