Posted on 12/22/2004 7:27:24 AM PST by Rodney King
MIDGET SUICIDE BOMBERS!
By Dorian Wagner
Recent intelligence obtained by the U.S. government has uncovered what is believed to be the most specific terrorist plot since Sept. 11 -- Al Qaeda is planning to stash midget suicide bombers in overhead compartments in the cabins of airplanes!
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, a high-ranking Washington official confirms that Osama Bin Laden's terrorist network has reportedly enlisted the help of some 1,300 little people to down aircraft flying over the U.S. and Britain.
"We know from multiple, independent and corroborating sources that Osama's going to unleash a maelstrom of midgets to ransack the cockpits and hijack the planes," he says. "And the stewardesses better watch out too, because we hear these minimen are really a bunch of horny little S.O.B.s."
Data from recent reliable reports indicate Al Qaeda has been planning "Operation Explosive Elf" for months, but recently stepped up the effort after Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge resigned.
"We noticed an increased amount of 'chatter' just after Ridge announced his departure from the department," says our source. "Perhaps they felt we were more vulnerable without the man who makes the call on yellow, orange and red threat levels."
Reportedly, this army of munchkin missiles had been recruited from festivals, fairs and circus sideshows. The tiny terrorists were then sent to two camps in the Middle East to undergo rigorous flexibility, endurance and strength training.
"An operation of this size and proportion is no small feat," explains the insider. "It takes an incredible amount of planning to corral and train such an army of angry midgets."
The boot camps used for training the dynamitepacking mites have been compared to schoolyard playgrounds -- with monkey bars, tunnels and obstacle courses being the main source of exercise.
"The jungle gym setup helped bulk them up while systematically insulting them at the same time -- the perfect recipe for the ideal suicide bomber."
Masterminds of the purported plan then called for the infuriated dwarfs to be strapped with explosives and released at several terminals in major U.S. cities, their small stature allowing them to sneak by security and past the gates.
According to our source, specific intercepted information about the operation called for the militant midgets to "get on board before the rest of the passengers jam themselves into the 2' x 41/2' overhead compartments and close the latch. The signal was to be the seat belt sign -- once the captain turned it off, all hell would break loose.
"Ten to 15 midgets would simultaneously pop out from above," he explains. "Some would directly rush the cockpit, others would scare and threaten passengers into cooperation and at least two would distract the stewardesses by humping their legs."
The designated pilot pygmy would then divert the freak show flight toward the intended target and the mission would be accomplished.
"Even with all the extra security measures taken by the U.S. to protect our skies, 'Operation Explosive Elf' shows Al Qaeda's continued fixation on using explosive-laden aircraft," says the official. "And as if midgets didn't already make some people nervous, now we have real reason to be uncomfortable around them."
ROTFL...
bump
OK, where's the obligatory pic of Bat Boy that must accompany all WWN reports? ;)
Bring em on. Tell them to follow the yellow brick road.
I know I'll never look at a little person the same way again..............
Is the alien a male or a female?
Worrying about suicidal munchkins has always fueled my worst nightmares.
The alien has transcended sex.
But he (?) does have a mugshot.
What's next, 30 clowns blow themselves up in a car bomb?
Not only high circulation--but a reputation for honesty and integrity that outshines the New York Times.
Meanwhile, as a writer and English teacher, you have to love their imagery: "a maelstrom of midgets"
Herewith my poor attempt: a deluge of demonic destroying dwarfs.
Daschle is looking for work.
Bill don't care...the alien does have a mouth.
Backstage with David Lee Roth:
"Dude, did they drop off the case of Jack Daniel's yet? Dave's running low."
One hopes...
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.