Posted on 09/16/2004 12:29:47 PM PDT by RealStupid
Kerry Fails Personality Tests 09/16/04 BOSTON, Massachusetts
In a desperate attempt to connect to the American electorate, presidential candidate John Kerry recently underwent a battery of personality tests.
The results of Senator Kerry's tests were startling: he is the first subject ever found to have absolutely no personality. In short, he failed.
"We can't explain it," sighed Dr. Siegfried Royd of the Rhienhold Institute of Psychometric Testing (RIPT). "These tests were designed to place people into categories based on basic psychological and behavioral criteria, not to pass or fail them.
"Take the well known inkblot test, for example. How the hell can you fail an inkblot test?"
Personality tests, designed to ascertain various aspects of a subject's personality, have been given to millions of people across the globe and are based on the groundbreaking psychoanalytic work of Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung in the early 20th century. Several personality types measured by the tests have entered the common lexicon, including introvert, extrovert, Type A, Type B, anal retentive, and (the less well known) anal expulsive.
"I've never seen results like Mr. Kerry's," Dr. Royd explained to our RealStupid medical reporter outside a Manhattan cigar shop. "He tests out as both an introvert and an extrovert, both a Type A and a Type B.
"Strangest of all, he seems to be both anal retentive and anal expulsive. Which, of course, is both physically and psychologically impossible."
A clue to Kerry's lack of a personality may be found in medical records just uncovered by RealStupidNews. The records include DNA profiles that suggest Kerry has a highly unusual genetic makeup similar to that of the fabled chameleon.
It is unclear what the Kerry campaign will do as a result of these revelations, though reports have surfaced that Kerry may retain former vice president Al Gore to help him develop a personality.
©2004 RealStupidNews.com
That would imply John Kerry actually has a personality. Who knew?
> Kerry is a chameleon.
No, he was thought to be a chameleon.
It turns out that he's actually fully transparent
and entirely content-free.
To paraphrase Bart Simpson, though it is physically impossible, John Kerry actually both sucks and blows simultaneously.
I just heard that the DNC is going to replace Kerry with a laptop PC since the laptop at least HAS a personality.
LMAO! You've solved the retentive/expulsive quandry! You must be a shrink.
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