Posted on 09/16/2004 8:46:53 AM PDT by Gopher Broke
John Kerry Aide Suffers Paper Cut, Demands Purple Heart
9/16/2004 - Matt Myford
An anonymous campaign worker for Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry has been urged to request a Purple Heart following a “severe paper cut,” sources said yesterday.
The aide, who suffered the cut opening Kerry’s mail, is in “stable condition” with “ointment and a Band-Aid” covering the wound. His other major duty, fetching a cup of java for Kerry running mate John Edwards every morning, will be “suspended indefinitely.”
Kerry immediately requested a Purple Heart for the worker, citing his “outstanding bravery” and “dedicated service to a great American – me!”
However, the Not-So-Swift Office Workers Coalition has denounced the Kerry aide as “fraud” and a “shameless opportunist.”
The NSSOWC, comprised of “below average IQ guys who’ve been involved in general office work,” is headed by Larry McCrough, who once “absent-mindedly stapled his hand to a table” and never received worker’s compensation, let alone a Purple Heart.
McCrough once saw the Kerry campaign worker “intentionally slice his finger” with a piece of paper and subsequently got “three weeks off work – paid and everything.”
“Dude’s a gutless coward,” McCrough said.
Kerry said if his aide doesn’t get the Purple Heart, “maybe we can bury his ass at Arlington National Cemetery if he dies from the paper cut.”
In related news, Edwards said he would “sue the pants off” the unfortunate paper manufacturer who “inflicted these dire wounds upon my coffee boy.”
LOL!!!
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