Just a Little Light Spanking, Sarge (…and tighten the handcuffs some more, please.)

The Sun [UK] ^ | January 6, 2004 | Richard Littlejohn

[quidnunc]

Try this simple test. Get yourself a piece of paper and write down what’s wrong with the police.

Not enough bobbies on the beat; too few police stations; a complete indifference to protecting private property; an obsession with bullying motorists; a tendency to put the rights of criminals before victims.

Only yesterday we learned of a chemist saying he was threatened with prosecution under the Data Protection Act for having the audacity to invite the Old Bill to nick a thug who beat him up in his shop.

That’s another one for the list.

By now you’ve probably filled one side of your sheet of paper without blinking.

How many of you have written down “Not Enough Homosexuals”?

I thought not.

We ask a lot of our cops — bravery, honesty, compassion, restraint. But poovery never enters the equation.

Frankly, most of us are not the slightest bit interested in the private passions of our boys and girls in blue.

We demand only that they do the job they are paid for.

But in today’s brave new constabulary, nicking villains and keeping the peace comes well down the chart.

What matters most of all is “diversity” and “inclusivity”.

In this bold spirit, every single police officer in Britain is to be required to declare his or her sexual orientation.

The aim is to ensure that at least one in ten recruits is gay, lesbian or bisexual.

Why?

What can possibly justify this gross intrusion into privacy?

And why should it only apply to gays, lesbians and bisexuals?

What about foot fetishists, golden shower merchants, rubber enthusiasts, gerbil fanciers and French tickler fanatics?

Don’t they get a look in?

Imagine the interview at Hendon. Name? Age? Sexual preference?

Just a little light spanking, Sergeant.

And why exactly do you want to join the police service?

The handcuffs, Sarge. Oh, and the truncheon.

How will they know whether or not you’re telling the truth?

Are we to see people pretending to be gay as a ruse to get on the fast track to Special Branch?

You used to get nicked for cottaging. Now it’s a career move.

Commander Brian Paddick, the man who turned Brixton into an open-air drugs den, has milked his homosexuality for all it’s worth in his relentless assault on the greasy pole.

Inspector Brian Cahill, 32-year-old chairman of the Gay Police Association, has been awarded the MBE.

Good luck to him, but what marks him out from hundreds of other inspectors other than his predilection for same-sex sex?

Jack Regan never got a gong for knocking off the barmaid in The Feathers.

Put your trousers on, you’re due at the Palace.

You don’t see adverts reading: “West Midlands Police particularly seeks applications from men who are into peek-a-boo bras, stockings and suspender belts, because we are currently under-represented in that area.”

So what’s so special about gays, lesbians and bisexuals?

And what if it turns out that a third, or even half, of police officers already ride in the other patrol car?

Will some of them be forced to resign because they are over- represented?

I’ve always assumed all policewomen are lesbians anyway, unless provided with incontrovertible proof to the contrary.

No doubt any objection to this grand design will be dismissed as “homophobic” — an absurd smear I refuse even to acknowledge.

I repeat, most of us couldn’t care less which way anyone swings. It’s none of our damn business.

This is simply another manifestation of the attention-seeking gay lobby’s constant thirst for applause and special treatment.

Are the sexual preferences of police officers to become a matter of public record?

Is there something Captain Beaujolais wishes to share with us?

I do hope not.

And the prospect of discovering what Mad Mullah Brunstrom, spiritual leader of the North Wales Traffic Taliban, gets up to of an evening doesn’t bear thinking about (although I have heard rumours involving a radar gun and a bottle of suntan lotion).

Mind how you go.

-snip-

[Dog Gone]

In this bold spirit, every single police officer in Britain is to be required to declare his or her sexual orientation.

The aim is to ensure that at least one in ten recruits is gay, lesbian or bisexual.

Hell, I'll check a box if it makes me the boss, sweetie.

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[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

There isn't much that could be said that would add to this thread. The author says it all. I don't think even Freepers could top his jaunty, light-hearted, take no prisoners essay.

[Dog Gone]

The sad thing is that we can expect similar efforts here. Quotas for the GLBT group, based on exaggerated percentage of total population they claim.

I was only half joking about checking the box. I'm too old to need to do so now, but if everyone began checking some ethnic box on every application, we'd destroy the whole concept.

What are they gonna do, run a DNA test to prove that you didn't have an Indian in your ancestry?

[Criminal Number 18F]

This cartoon accompanies the article:

I'm not sure with the third creature in line, whether the applicant is the gerbil, or his 'date.'

You know, if they want one in every ten cops to be gay, that's a minimum of 400% over-representation. Where will they find all of them? I have an idea, and it bodes ill for the Empire.

They'll find them, of course, where they are right now. Britain will be completely cleaned out of hairdressers and choreographers, and physical education nationwide will feel the loss of all the girl's gym teachers. It could set both interior decorating and ladies' tennis back a century or more -- maybe so far back that Muslims will take them up.

d.o.l.

Criminal Number 18F

[Capriole]

Poovery?

Obviously it's been too long since I was in the UK.

[quidnunc]

Capriole wrote: Poovery? Obviously it's been too long since I was in the UK.

Do you know what 'cottaging' is.

[eno_]

Where will they find all of them?

The Boston Archdioces?

[DLfromthedesert]

You think Dick Morris will apply?

[eastforker]

Poovery????????

[expatpat]

'Poovery' presumably comes from the word 'poof', but cottaging has me beat.

[jocon307]

Great post quid.

FIGHT BACK YOU BRITS, FIGHT BACK!

[skinkinthegrass]

Hell, I'll check a box...

We hardy knew ya!..Dog :))

[quidnunc]

expatpat wrote: 'Poovery' presumably comes from the word 'poof', but cottaging has me beat.

According to the Urban Dictionary, cottaging, the act of standing in a plastic bag whilst acts of buggery are performed on you by another in a public convenience cubicle.

Presumably the plastic bag is to insure anonymitity.

[expatpat]

Wow! You learn something new every day -- but I'm not sure I gained much with this one. Ugh!

[FreedomFarmer]

"We ask a lot of our cops... But poovery never enters the equation."

I have a new word to play with.

[William Terrell]

What about foot fetishists, golden shower merchants, rubber enthusiasts, gerbil fanciers and French tickler fanatics?

Eh, are all these British things? Suddenly the sentence turned into alphabet soup.

[Dog Gone]

I'm a gay homosexual. Also I'm a tranvesite cross-dressing lesbian transexual.

I had to come out of the closet so that you could all marvel at this spiffy new dress I'm wearing.

[quidnunc]

FreedomFarmer wrote: ("We ask a lot of our cops... But poovery never enters the equation.") I have a new word to play with.

You might want to rephrase that.