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(James Likeks) Some resolutions for Bush fans, foes
AJC.COM ^ | December 24, 2003 | James Lileks

Posted on 12/28/2003 9:10:13 AM PST by billorites

It's going to be a long 2004 for the George W. Bush haters. To help them along in the months to come, we present New Year's resolutions for avid Bush detesters, and a few for his fans as well. Start with the foes:

I resolve to examine at least one of the president's statements, acts, gestures or facial expressions without first insisting it proves that the man is a stupid chimp evil liar plastic-turkey-holding DRAFT DODGER MY GOD CAN'T YOU PEOPLE SEE HIM FOR WHAT HE IS?

I resolve to consider that not everything Bush says is a lie. Example: If Bush says that ''two plus two equals four,'' I will not spit, ''Oh, that's Enron math,'' and spend the rest of the day rebalancing my checkbook in Base Eight.

I resolve to grasp the absurdity of appearing on national talk shows to insist that our freedom of speech has disappeared.

I resolve to be more precise in my language. When I am tempted to criticize the administration for being ''pre-emptive,'' I will recall that arresting all the hijackers on Sept. 10, 2001, would have been, well, pre-emptive, and that I might well have protested this indefensible act of ''profiling.''

I resolve to let at least a minute pass before I accuse the administration of contemptuous high-handedness toward our allies. By which I mean France. I resolve to ask myself whether my attachment to French approval is analogous to a high school chess geek mooning after the lovely but haughty cheerleader who regards everyone with bemused contempt. She winked once. That was weeks ago. Was it all a tease?

I resolve to accept the election returns, and not spend my precious mortal allotment in the humid chambers of the Internet message boards, insisting that BushCo obviously stole the election in 46 states. Perhaps Howard Dean will lose because he suggested that the governor of a toy-sized state knew more about the military and foreign policy than a man whose policies toppled the Taliban in Afghanistan and the Baathists of Iraq, and brought Libya to heel.

Meanwhile, I resolve to admit I'd be delighted to impeach Bush for lying to a grand jury. Even about sex. Especially about sex.

Now, for Bush fans:

Whenever I believe that the president always and only acts from high-minded principle, I resolve to say the words ''steel tariffs'' and ''campaign finance reform bill'' in a soft, regretful voice. I resolve to recall the new prescription drug benefit, which sounds nice now but is an entitlement that will grow until it mandates government-funded Pepto-Bismol on tap in every house. And I really, truly resolve not to wish the whole ''nukyular'' pronunciation thing didn't dismay me at the molekyular level.

resolve not to worry that things will go so well that people feel comfortable voting for a Hillary-Clark ticket in '08. What if they recycle the '92 mantras, and cosset a quiescent public with the empty promise of ''change'' for the mere sake of change? Will we turn over our security to the same crew of internationalists and appeasers? No!

Resolved: We jump off that bridge when we come to it.

Finally: I resolve not to gloat. This bitter partisanship is destructive to our nation. No gloating in November.

Resolved: Save the gloating for Inauguration Week!

James Lileks writes for Newhouse News Service.


TOPICS: Politics/Elections
KEYWORDS: resolutions

1 posted on 12/28/2003 9:10:13 AM PST by billorites
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To: Boxsford
ping my favorite Lileks fan.
2 posted on 12/28/2003 9:13:35 AM PST by discostu (that's a waste of a perfectly good white boy)
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To: discostu
I love Lileks, too.

3 posted on 12/28/2003 9:21:19 AM PST by AnnaZ ("And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God..." ~Romans 8:28a~)
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To: billorites
Great post! It is really, really funny stuff. Just goes to show that the fresh and biting humor comes from the right these days, and not from the recycled old jokes from the left.
4 posted on 12/28/2003 9:29:58 AM PST by alwaysconservative (When the Supreme Court won't protect our rights under the Constitution, who will?)
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To: billorites
He left out resolving to ignore all polls except the one that counts - on election day.
5 posted on 12/28/2003 9:34:47 AM PST by secret garden (politically incorrect and proud of it)
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To: billorites
Looking forward to that Inauguration Week gloating!
6 posted on 12/28/2003 9:40:10 AM PST by Moonmad27 (Nobody gets in to see the Wizard, not nobody, not nohow!)
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To: billorites
For the Bush haters: "I resolve not to (1) maintain that Bush is an evil genius in one sentence, and then (2) call him an illiterate moron in the next sentence. I will decide which of these characterizations I believe, and stick with it, because supporting both of them makes me looks like I have no brains."
7 posted on 12/28/2003 9:43:24 AM PST by Joe Bonforte
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To: Miss Marple; Howlin; PhiKapMom
I resolve to gloat only just a bit even if I have to pull an 'Archie' and stiffle my exburence just a tad....
8 posted on 12/28/2003 9:50:37 AM PST by deport ( Some folks wear their halos much too tight...)
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To: deport
I think we should have a national gloating day at some point. I have had to refrain from gloating over the Afghan victory, the Iraqi victory, the tax cuts, the improved economy, the capture of Saddam Hussein, and several of the President's well-delivered speeches.

I really, really need to gloat, and I think that a national gloating day would be just the thing.

We could have caravans of cars driving through Ithaca and Berkley with loudspeakers!! Only Bush-supporters would be allowed to call into C-SPAN! We could stand outside Chappaqua with bullhorns! Peter Jennings would be replaced on the nightly news with Dennis Miller.

Yes, I think a national gloating day is in order.

And we could have a special hour devoted to mocking France.

9 posted on 12/28/2003 10:02:12 AM PST by Miss Marple
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To: Miss Marple
How about Nov. 2, 2004 as Gloating Day
10 posted on 12/28/2003 10:07:54 AM PST by deport ( Some folks wear their halos much too tight...)
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To: billorites
Save the gloating for Inauguration Week!

Actually, I am looking forward to spending a good chunk of election night watching the DUmmies all threatening to commit suicide or leave the country.

11 posted on 12/28/2003 10:48:33 AM PST by Maceman (Too nuanced for a bumper sticker)
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To: Maceman
DUmmies all threatening to commit suicide or leave the country.

Threatening is right.  They lack the cajones to do either.
12 posted on 12/28/2003 12:08:10 PM PST by gcruse (http://gcruse.typepad.com/)
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To: Joe Bonforte
I have one brother-in-law who still can't get past the "Bush is an idiot" stage. He firmly believes that everything Dubya does is scripted by Rove and co. and thoroughly rehearsed. I refrained from my usual holiday argument with him, because I prefer Dems like him to remain in their state of miserable ignorance. I know that deep inside their guts are churning at the prospect of getting killed at the polls in 2004.
13 posted on 12/28/2003 2:00:28 PM PST by driftless ( For life-long happiness, learn how to play the accordion.)
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To: billorites
bttt
14 posted on 12/28/2003 11:13:46 PM PST by lainde (Heads up...We're coming and we've got tongue blades!!)
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To: discostu
Just found your ping tonight. I thought Lileks took December off? Thanks for the heads up. Great article. I love this guy.

btw, did you notice AnnaZ's tag line just under your post? Yikes!!

15 posted on 12/29/2003 4:05:51 PM PST by Boxsford
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To: Boxsford
He took December off from the Bleat because he had so much "work" to do (by his own admission what he does to earn a living is hardly work), presumably this article is part of the work. Although he finished up early and is bleating again.

Right out of freepmail.
16 posted on 12/30/2003 7:09:50 AM PST by discostu (that's a waste of a perfectly good white boy)
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To: Miss Marple
We could have caravans of cars driving through Ithaca and Berkley with loudspeakers!!

I'd enter a gloat in that parade.

17 posted on 12/30/2003 7:03:51 PM PST by Erasmus
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