Oh my goodness, I fear for your salvation.
Your only hope is to immediately check yourself into a reeducation camp conveniently located by the government near your home. There you will will be brought to understand that truth is no defense to the making of such grotesqueries.
Please do not be alarmed, your enlightenment will be gentle. Our facilitators are very experienced and have never lost the patient yet. After all, your enlightenment is in your hands entirely as expressed in our motto:
Submission makes free
Be not anxious, waterboarding is rarely resorted to, it is not really torture if done to our own, and it is far more benign than chemotherapy or shock treatment. You will be released back into the general population as soon as our federal inspectors certify that your condition is in remission-of course, you are never really cured as this malady is liable to reappear at any time, especially before elections.
I wish you a speedy, thorough and certifiable recovery in time for you to celebrate the winter solstice with your family.
Kindly report to your local reeducation center before election day to avoid embarrassing and tedious apprehension by the designated authorities.
Your friend,
Chief, Attitude Adjustment Division of Homeland Security
