Posted on 01/14/2003 12:40:30 PM PST by grantswank
HOW MOM TEACHES DAUGHTER TO YELL AT DAD
J. Grant Swank, Jr., POB 1984, Windham ME 04062
Pastor, New Hope Church, Windham ME
It is very, very subtle — over time, involving complicated life situations, supported by fem bonding, allowing for anti-male emotions, pulling from the baser nature of the female, and so forth.
Writing about this subject can be raw and refined. The refined part has to do with psychology and ethics. The raw part has to do with real life — madness, meanness, and basically lack of respect for father / husband.
So let’s start with the bottom line — lack of respect for the man of the house. It is there that the teaching starts. It is there that the teaching ends, but the sad fact of the matter is that in most cases it never ends. And if it does end, the man leaves the wife and daughters to move out of their lives — either permanently or mostly permanently, meeting with them once in awhile for celebrating birthdays or holidays. Another means by which the whole mess can end is for the women to die or the man to grow old, then die.
Lack of respect is the baseline parent of yelling women. If there were real, honest-to-God, genuine respect toward the man of the house, there would be no yelling. As soon as the yell would start to form in the woman’s throat, she would gag it. She would not want to debase herself by screaming; she would catch herself.
Lack of respect leveled against an honorable man is a horrible scene. Others watching on are totally embarrassed and want to flee. Sometimes they do. Other times they laugh nervously and try to figure that nothing horrible is happening. For others, they resolve never to appear in the same room with the women who yell at the man of the house.
Lack of respect.
It is treating a man as if he were a throwaway, a rag, a nuisance, an obstacle in the way. Yet this same head of the household may be showered with gifts on his natal day, at Christmas, on his wedding anniversary. This leads to the confusing part. There rarely are clear lights and darks in interpersonal relationships, particularly in families. So we have to allow for the confusion and go with it; or else figure it out and try to stop it.
In other words, the man of the house may indeed not be a drunk or lewd messenger or porno pusher or thief or gangster or member of the Mafia. He may be a lawyer, doctor, pastor, schoolteacher, retailer or whatever. He may pay his bills and dress nicely. He may use correct English and even smile a lot. He may hand out candy to neighborhood children.
But at the same time, the mother of the house teaches her daughters how to yell at that man of the house. Is she crazy? Sometimes she is. Is she a shrew? Yes, that can be, too. Is she multiple personality? That can happen. Is she bent on power plays against the male gender? Often the case. Is she bonding with other females in order to carry on a tradition of batting men in the teeth? That can also be the case. Is she a warrior Amazon woman set out to make life miserable for a lot of people around her—on a daily basis? Sure thing.
So there are your options as to the "why". And of course several dozen more stimuli could be offered as to what brings about the malicious reaction of yelling at the man in the house.
I witnessed this not too long ago. There was an incident that arose which was exceptionally minor. In fact I cannot recall what it was that started the whole yell-out. And that is often the case, that is, the minors can lead to majors without anyone able to think back as to how the minor got to be the major.
Anyhow, the daughter started to chirp at her father. Immediately, mother set in to back up her daughter with chirping. The chirping moved to hammering his head in — not with a hammer but with something worse — their mouths.
The daughter’s new husband was in the house at the same time. I saw his face. Quick as a flash, he was caught off guard, not expecting such torture to be leveled against his new father-in-law.
It was insanity in a matter of seconds. But it was indeed an old insane play that needed no thought-through script. Over ages, it has been shot into operation at the drop of a match, the light lit by women who read one another’s vibes in an instant. In other words, it was time to charge against the man of the house, slicing him up, and then topping yells with more yells and more yells.
Now these people are supposed to be educated, college-bred, professionals who pride themselves on knowing their courtesies. They have traveled extensively. They have read their books and leafed through their monthly egghead magazines. They can hold forth on philosophy and religion and politics. So one cannot excuse them for being riff-raff.
Yet the cruel syndrome is still there: mother has taught daughters how to yell. It started when the daughters were little girls. They then have grown up with this negative, ongoing, in-depth tutoring. It has in other words been woven craftily into their innards.
To be charitable, then, it can be said that these hardly realize that they are yellers. It is run on automatic. Even as grown adult women, they no doubt consider their yelling to be a legitimate style of communication and their rights in battling men, the one man in particular being their father.
Mother surely has seen all this developing over years, but because she has been the instigator of it all, she hardly is going to seek healing for a malady which she has birthed. Therefore, perverse as it is, mother continues to encourage in grown daughter how to yell yell yell at the man of the house. When family get-togethers are in full sway, such yelling often reaches fevered pitch, even so that neighbors may seriously wonder what is going on on the other side of the yard fence.
Where did all this come from? Being a pastor, I know where it came from. It came from The Fall. It came when Eve told Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. He did. He should have known better; but he was a sap. He ate what God had told the two of them not to eat — their test of obedience. They obviously failed the test. Since then a lot of yelling has gone on.
Too simple an explanation?
Then you come up with your own. But whatever historical backdrop you give to the mother teaching her daughters how to yell at husband / dad, it will still work out to present tense. In the here and now, females yell at males, out of the home and in the home. But where it hurts the most is in the home where trust and love are supposed live, where courtesies and self-giving are meant to heal and nurture.
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