50 Reasons Lord of the Rings Sucks

Pointless Waste of Time ^

[RooRoobird14]

Hmmmm....guess I'm glad I didn't read the books first. I LOVED IT--will go see it again, too!

[Forgiven_Sinner]

Go-Go Gadget Arrow Sprouter.

Legolas shoots arrow after arrow at his enemies, and yet the number of arrows in his quiver never decreases. I guess elves have glands on their back that secrete arrows.

Congratulations! I was drinking tea and I aspirated while laughing!

Great satire! You missed the fact that Gandalf caught his sword on the way down. Of course, as any physicist knows, a sword has a higher terminal velocity than a human, or Maia--he should have never caught it.

But that was a nice fix for the problem that Gandalf never dropped it in the book. I wondered in TFOTR how PJ was going to fix that, since I knew Gandalf used the sword (Glamdring, the Foe Hammer--as any Hobbit reader knows) to defeat the Balrog.

I was also disturbed the Balrog did not fly, either in the book or in the movie. The only explanation was that there was not enough room for its wings to unfurl. That also explains why the two did not squish at the bottom.

For those who didn't read the book, Gandalf and the Balrog fought from the subterranean lake to the tallest peak by climbing the Endless Stair. PJ alluded to that by having the faint sounds of their battle on the sound track while the camera panned up the mountain. Naturally, no one noticed that, on this thread.

[Argh]

# 19. Good question.

# 38. Very good question.

:^)

[shezza]

Some of these replies are funnier than the "review"! Thanks for the laugh.

[Xenalyte]

Basically, wood elves are usually blond while the Rivendell elves were darker haired.

Pretty much, yep. It's why I'm not blonde again yet.

[ArGee]

Finally someone posted an anti-LOTR rant that makes sense.

Not like all those nit-picky rants focusing on trivium from people who feel they have to attack what other people love.

Thanks, and Shalom.

[dd5339]

Great Satire. Read through the whole post, it only gets better!

Semper Fi

[commish]

Aw, those lovable characters...Dildo, Spam, Moxie and Pepsi. Legolam and Gimlet, and Arrowshirt son of Arrowroot. Who could forget?

Ahhh Bored of the Rings - a true Classic

I sit in the corner and pick my nose
And think of dirty things
Like Deviant Dwarves that suck there toes
And Elves that drub their dings
-- Ancient Hobbitt ditty sung by Dildo Bugger to his nephew Frito Lay

[malakhi]

Ping!

[Ignatz]

I thought it was a very humurous, tongue-in-cheek article. Others here thought the same.

Of course, lacking your superior intellect (and overt superiority in general), we are often amused by the sublime. What fools we must be!

[Sungirl]

LOL....

[Junior]

They were two different people, Aragorn and Boromir. This writer is a complete nimrod.

[BobinIL]

#38 Liv Tyler's immortal elf volunteers to give up her eternal life for a single romance with a human man. Could any man really be that well endowed? I find it unlikely.

#25 The Elves, clearly the most advanced and wise species, are also clearly gay.

I guess this guy should proof read his own list. Liv Tylers character is clearly one frustrated woman.

[Oberon]

Millions of copies of the LOTR DVD have thick black bars at the bottom and top of the screen throughout the film. Didn't anyone catch this? You know what happens at the end, in the extreme foreground and extreme upper sky? Neither do I. Bush league, guys.

Umm... Pardon me for pointing this out, but that's a thing called "letterbox format." Serious cinephiles know what it is, and why it exists.

[Oberon]

Why then is Liv Tyler dark-haired?

Because she's the illegitimate result of her elvish mother's years spent as an Aerosmith groupie?

[aruanan]

Give me one reason that story couldn't have been told without all the fighting.

Anyone who could complain about the novelization of the movie and this is obviously doing his arguing for reasons other than what he's stated. This reminds me of some reviewer saying that the "gentle medievalist" Tolkien would probably have been shocked at the level of violence in the Helm's Deep battle scene. Another person who hasn't read the book. There was actually very little graphic violence in the Helm's Deep battle scene. There was a lot of motion and implied violence, but when the occasional head was struck off, there was no slow-motion spouting of arterial gore. I thought the depiction of mayhem was very restrained and never became gratuitous.

If you should complain about anything, it should be that the palantir were too tiny or that Gollum's outfit was absurd. Either he wore nothing or he wore scavanged clothing for protection against the weather. No one would believe that a creature whose only goals were possessing his Precious and killing those who had taken it from him would have any sense of genital modesty. An outfit of tattered rags would have been more believable than a skimpy, yet undestructable, loin cloth. But then it may have been much more difficult to convincingly digitally animate many folds and tatters of clothing than a smooth surface. And though Smeagol's movement was pretty good, it looked as though he and the Hobbits were interacting with the gravity of two different planets.

As far as racism is concerned. Ha ha ha ha ha. Since the orcs are not human their darkness has nothing to do with race. I suppose you could say that Darkness was associated with Evil and Light with Good, but, if anything, that's a pretty universal archetype (though in China white is a symbol of death). At the same time throughout the world's folklore there have been descriptions of the seemingly beautiful which is evil and of the apparently ugly which is good (such as the description of the Messiah in Isaiah).

[aruanan]

Though the 50 reasons is a pretty good satire on debunkers.

[aruanan]

Millions of copies of the LOTR DVD have thick black bars at the bottom and top of the screen throughout the film.

Ha ha ha. Good one. I wonder for those reading the thread what the average number of seconds was before they realized the satiric nature of the 50 reasons. Thanks.

[ksen]

Just wait till the Hobbit's Hole crowd sees this.

You rang? ;^)

[ksen]

Thanks for the ping angelo. This is very funny. ;^)