Posted on 02/25/2021 8:57:09 AM PST by mylife
A Chili thread.
WE cannot have a Chili thread without this classic joke.
We just can’t....
Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1: MIKE’S MANIC MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2: ARTHUR’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3: FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced.
CHILI # 4: BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating.
CHILI # 5: LINDA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin’ Rednecks! ! !
CHILI # 6: VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
CHILI # 7: SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.
FRANK: You could puta #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn’t feel a d@&$ thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8: HELEN’S MOUNT SAINT CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry isa good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor’s Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).
Try Campbell’s Chunky Chili (it comes in both spicy and regular). It may only come with beans though, if you’re one of those who doesn’t like beans in your chili ...
I like the mole to be spicy, but also chocolaty. The local Mexican joint I go to always gives me a little extra to go cup of the stuff. Put it on Western omelets the next morning - yum!
People at my old VFW swear by “Texas brand chili” but I have not found it
I’ll look for it.
One of the easiest recipe to make.
FMCDH(BITS)
With or w/o beans is fine with me.
the burrito looks ok, but so cal is swimming in really good burritos
Ummm, you could always share your recipe with the rest of us... Sounds like you might have a good one.
:)
The secret is you gotta sprinkle some salt on the tamales before you eat them.
Ummm... No!
Mole’ is definitely not a chili sauce, especially the original Mole’ which was chocolate based, with dozens of ingredients, including chili peppers and pumpkin seeds. Even today, with a dozen or more Mole’ varieties, you would never taste one and think it was chili.
Yeah, I like chili as much as anyone else but “comfort food” is now how I would characterize it. Between the spices and the beans (if added), it tends to be anything but “comfort”.
If the chili is too salty, maybe just mix it with macaroni and make “chili mac”. If you cook the macaroni in unsalted water, the salt in the pasta will naturally dissolve in the water while you boil it, then when you drain it and mix it with the chili, the pasta will absorb some of the salt from the chili too and dilute it a bit.
So I guess tomorrow is National Flatulence Day?
Hearthstone makes a very good beefsteak chili. Think I’ll celebrate!
Good tip! I see that brand is available at Gordons. I’ll buy a #10 can and freeze and save some $$$!
I agree. Of course, it isn't as good as homemade, but it takes one pan, and merely minutes, so the trade-off is darn good. And I have to have peanut butter sandwiches with it.
thanks.
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