Posted on 10/16/2020 8:15:41 AM PDT by Colonial35
Thank you.I always enjoy this part of my Friday.
I was browsing in the Men’s department at Neiman Marcus when a knitted black designer blazer caught my eye.
Although the tag said it was on sale, it still cost more than I cared to spend. Tempting fate, I tried it on. Just then, a sales lady appeared. “It fits you perfectly,” she said.
“Yes,” I said, “but I really don’t need it.”
Without missing a beat, she replied, “We don’t see things that people need.”
A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money
for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy woman” and started
canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch” he said.
“How much will you charge me?”
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $50?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would
need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,
“Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?”
“That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?” he responded.
The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those
blonde jokes.”
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money..
“You’re finished already??” the startled husband asked.
“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along
with a $10 tip.
“Thank you,” the blonde said, “And, by the way, it’s not a Porch,
it’s a Lexus.”
Subject: Med School Exam
When my buddy took the “short” entrance exam for medical school,
he was perplexed by this question
1.”Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out the part of the human body
That is most useful when erect.
Those who spelled SPINE became doctors.
The rest are in Congress.
Anthony Weiner goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, ‘Male or female?’
Weiner says, ‘Female, of course.’
Counter guy asks, ‘Black or white?
Weiner says, ‘White.’
Counter guy asks, ‘Christian, Jewish or Muslim?’
Weiner says, ‘What the hell does religion have to do with it?’
Counter guy says, ‘The Muslim one blows itself up.
Escalators don’t break down… they just turn into stairs
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing… except when you’re at a funeral.
I intend to live forever… or die trying.
We never knew he was a drunk… until he showed up to work sober.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A blind man walks into a bar….And a table, and a chair.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
Want to hear a pizza joke…. nah, it’s too cheesy.
What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one.
Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it.
Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it’s too lame.
I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.
I childproofed the house… but they still get in!
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and The fourth man was a
Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, “T-square, do your stuff.”
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle,
a square, and a triangle.Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,“Spreadsheet,
do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
“Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,
got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a
drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?”
The Government Employee called his cat and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.”
Coffee Break jumped to his feet...Ate the cookies...Drank the milk...Sh*t on the paper...
Screwed the other three cats...Claimed he injured his back while doing so.
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions...
Put in for Workers Compensation… and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave…
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’
‘There’s something wrong with my penis’, he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded
waiting room and say things like that. ‘
‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.
The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room
full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or
something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’
The man replied, ‘You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers,
if the answer could embarrass anyone.’
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’
‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’
‘I can’t pee out of it,’ he replied.
Cowboy rules for:
Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming, Montana, North Dakota,
South Dakota, Utah, Nebraska, Idaho, and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:
1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head ain’t crooked.
3. Let’s get this straight: it’s called a ‘gravel road.’ I drive a pickup truck
because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re gonna get dust on your Lexus.
Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. That’s why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us.
Get over it. Don’t like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that
are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It’s called being friendly.
Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are
comin’ in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand.
You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar?
It’s available at the corner bait shop.
9. The ‘Opener’ refers to the first day of deer season.
It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10.. We open doors for women. That’s applied to all women, regardless of age..
11. No, there’s no ‘vegetarian special’ on the menu. Order steak, or you can
order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads.
We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don’t care what
you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN’T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring ‘Coke’ into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
You bring ‘Mary Jane’ into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot,
drive a truck, and have long hair.
14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants,
the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.
16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain’t music, anyway.
We don’t want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn’t do
something useful with my time.
Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing, I said.
Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was “only thinking of me” she said, and suggested I go down to the senior center
and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson
about staying out of my business.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She replied, “Are you nuts? You are 73 years old, and now you’re going to start
jumping out of airplanes?”
I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me, “Good grief, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”
“Oh man, I’m in trouble again; I really don’t know what to do... I signed up for
five jumps a week.”
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
Cosby....
I wasn’t always black... There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.”
Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in
a deeper voice.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to
raise children? Those who’ve never had any.
Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale,
skinny people who look half - dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people.
They’re dying, of course, but they look terrific.
When you become senile, you won’t know it.
The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter,
and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially
impotent for an indefinite period of time
2. Ignoranus : A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize
it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas
from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking
down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8 Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn’t get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only
things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve
accidentally walked through a spider web.
16 Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom
at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you’re eating.
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool
next to him and announces: “This is an amazing octopus.
I’ll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set
in front of it.” None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar.
The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away,
better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist.
Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet,
better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter.
Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a
minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.
“Can’t you play the bagpipes?” asked the man. “Play it?” said the octopus,
“I’m gonna Shag it after I figure out how to get its pajamas off.”
One Easter a priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was
at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
‘Come with me,’ said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St Peter to a mansion.
It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
‘Oh my word, thank you,’ said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rough old shack with a bunk bed and
a little old television set.
‘Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,’ said the priest. ‘Shouldn’t I be the one
who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day,
and preached God’s word.’
‘Yes, that’s true.’ St Peter rejoined, ‘But during your Easter sermons people slept.
When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.’
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and
he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,
‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is
cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself
a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by
the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her
husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs
and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband,
bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.
He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN,
DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’
Then you must not be familiar with Neiman Marcus. It’s a hoity toity store that sells very high end merchandise with huge price tags and typically, people want but don’t “need” things they sell. Have you ever looked at a Neiman Marcus Christmas catalogue? You’d understand if you did....
I am familiar with Nieman-Marcus, but your post said “see”, not “sell”.
I have called it “Needless Markup” for years.
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to
meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you
realised that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”
Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track”.
“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector. “Then I’d run down to the tracks
and use the manual lever down there” answers Tom. “What if that had been struck
by lightning?” challenges the inspector.
“Then” Tom continued “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box”.
“What if the phone was busy?” “In that case” Tom argued “I’d run to the street level
and use the public phone near the station”.
“What if that had been vandalised?” “Oh well” said Tom “In that case I would run into
town and get my Uncle Leo”.
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked “Why would you do that?”
“Because he’s never seen a train crash!”
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.