Posted on 08/14/2017 6:16:57 PM PDT by Lazamataz
Saying "Expect the unexpected" is meaningless.
If the unexpected is expected, it becomes the expected.
Unexpected, huh?
I'm an equal-opportunity racist.
I hate people no matter what color they are.
Sorry, I can no longer agree to disagree. It’s in my contract. You must simply adopt my position. Thanks in advance for your immediate attention to this important issue.
The phrase "Never say never" makes ZERO sense.
You just said "Never"
The lead singer to Linkin Park committed suicide. RIP.
It also instructs me that even if I try so hard, and get so far, in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely, and you're never coming round
Cop: TURN AROUND!
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears
Cop: (Pepper sprays me)
Just FLUSHED DOWN THE TOILET.
PISSED AWAY!
Therapist: "How does that make you feel?"
Zombie: "Rotten."
I wave my hand like Obi-Wan Kenobi, and say, "I'm the droid you're looking for."
Usually, they respond, "Move along. Move along."
He texted back "I am very busy now."
I said "that's hilarious. Give me another one!"
Anyone know how to file for Unemployment in Georgia?
That is because they are on the metric system.
SEIZE THE FISH!
She told me to cut off my head.
I am opening a new line of greeting cards -- "Real Talk" Greetings, Inc.
For birthdays:
"Welcome to another year of quiet despair, broken promises, unfulfilled dreams, crushing disappointments, and unrequited love."
Or
"I guess I'm supposed to congratulate you because you didn't die."
For Valentines Day:
"I love you, I do,
I love you enough,
That with my bare hands,
Your life I will snuff.
I remember the day,
When our paths did collide,
And I thought to myself,
'Murder - Suicide"'"
Enjoyable.
The CNN one is perfect.
Rita Hayworth Is Stayin’ Alive
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mz3CPzdCDws
I pretend I'm co-dependent to get everyone's approval.
I NEED their approval...!
Then I learned not to pee on the seat the night before.
“I just added up all the time I’ve pee’d, my entire life, and I figure about 1.5 years have been COMPLETELY WASTED.
Just FLUSHED DOWN THE TOILET.
PISSED AWAY!”
What does my 13 years of FR Time equate to in life lost? Could you, ‘math’ that out for me? Bear in mind, I have a large bladder. ;)
I’m so OCD that my lucky LOTTO numbers are 123456
Interesting.
Thanx. We all needed a break from the insanity of the weekend.
P.S We all know the sound of two hands clapping?
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
“What is the sound of one hand clapping?”
Small, female hand: wishhhhhh
Large, male hand: WHO0SH!
Hahahahaha!!! Thank you...I needed that. The last one is especially sidesplitting.hahaha
I have been trying to figure out who Kim Jong Un reminded me of and now I know: He is the delusional king of the book/play/movie, “The King And I”.
Thanks old FRiend. You never fail to amuse.
People seldom heed it, and those who do deserve everything they get.
The joke is, one hand clapping is a smack in the face.
That was a nice break from ‘Today’. Thank you. I especially liked the cop & turn around !
Glad you enjoyed them. All but a couple of them are Laz originals.
A risque one, if it is removed, I will understand:
The Periodic Table is not a place for women to change their tampons.
#IStandCorrected
I used to be an agnostic.
But now I’m not so sure.
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