I Don't Want To Be The Breadwinner In My Marriage Anymore! [Hypergamy Genetics Wins Again]

NPR ^ | December 3, 2016 | Staff

[wbill]

I pay for 90 percent of our living expenses

...and there's the problem.

My lovely wife and I have three buckets. "Our Money", which is by necessity the largest bucket, "Her Money" and "My Money".

Everything that it takes to run a family from food to housing to retirement to...whatever...comes out of the "Our Money" bucket. Doesn't matter who put what in, we both contribute what needs to be contributed.

My money, is mine. If I choose to buy a loud, fast and noisy toy, my wife - other than giving me a "boys will be boys" eyeroll - could care less. Ditto if she wants to buy her umpty-hundreth pair of shoes, it's her money and she should buy what she wants.

We've not had a cross word about money in nearly 20 years, through thick and thin. 'Tis one of the smartest things that we've ever done.

I think the author sounds pretty self-centered and nasty. However, her husband is pretty irresponsible to take a job that required a 75% long term pay cut as well, and just expected her to shoulder the load. No wonder there's some strain, there.

[Organic Panic]

"we met at work"

There's a problem right there.

[wbill]

My lovely wife solved that problem by working part-time a couple of nights a week. That let me get some quality time in with WBill Jr, and let her have adult conversations with other adults.

Made her a little walking around money, too, which is always nice to have.

You're right - most days for her were pretty good. Though, some evenings I came home, she handed me WBill Jr, and was out the door before I took my coat off. :-) Not every day with small kids is paradise.

[Opinionated Blowhard]

When I first met him, it was undeniably a passionate love affair. I'd never dated anyone or known anyone like him before.

LOL. For all you young girls out there who fantasize about having a passionate "romance" with a "bad boy," this will be you -- b*tching and moaning about him once the magic has worn off.

[Organic Panic]

You CAN’T have it all. It’s best to accept that and move on with life. I’ll never have my own G650, a Tiffany lamp, or own a Unimog. I’m over it now.

[Organic Panic]

Carrying for one’s own baby is not being “trapped”.

[wbill]

You CAN’T have it all ...because if you had it ALL, where would you put it? :-)

I just had this conversation with WBill Jr.

Him: "Wouldn't it be great to have a Billion Dollars??".

Me: "Meh. People who have a billion dollars have problems, too. They're just different problems."

I'd bet that the author of this article (and her husband) are likely far, far better off than I am. This article is proof positive, sez me.

[BJ1]

>>>That is such a load of nonsense. Often stated by guys who can’t get a date because 1) they have not bothered to try to make themselves interesting, and 2) they will look only at women who are “out of their league”.<<<

According to this survey done by an online dating site, 80% of men were rated as below average in looks. I imagine most of those guys in the 80% only posted the most flattering pictures of themselves. And if your best isn’t good enough, oh my.

https://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-looks-and-online-dating/

And FWIW the average boomer is estimated to have 11 sex partners in their lives, 10 for gen X and forecast down to 8 for millennials.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2015/05/06/why-millennials-have-sex-with-fewer-partners-than-their-parents-did/?utm_term=.c2e72b88e4e0

So what decent man wants a woman who sleeps around you ask. Well how many hot women are actually single and not sleeping around? My guess is the older the guy, the fewer such women are available to him. And in my case, at age 40 when I was dating for a 2nd time, I’d say that number was extremely low. Just saying.

[greatvikingone]

She should start having babies.
__________________________________

So sad that we don’t raise girls to think motherhood and childrearing are beautiful and far more valuable than a paycheck.

[jimnm]

I am imagining that the previous job was either an expat petroleum, mining, or financial services related position and the current one is a non-profit or a ‘regular’ US based position. She said he worked overseas and at high salary. Graduate school was probably an MBA or a JD so that he could BE WITH HER IN THE USA. What she doesn’t get is a lot of the expat jobs would mean he was away 9 months of the year from her while her career remained in the USA. It was more than likely to make her happy and she doesn’t get it! SELFISH WOMAN! He sacrificed his career for hers and she doesn’t even recognize it. It’s also more than likely her luck is chance and it could easily be reversed. There’s a recession and he’s taking care of her!

It’s apples to oranges in any case, he was an expat and being rewarded for working in those conditions. There’s lots of us that have *lived* (you live at work in a crappy country under the company’s rules) in pretty miserable high stress environments and then pivot our careers to something that gets us out of it. Overseas in a 3rd world country (African shithole in my experience) is fun for awhile but eventually most people want to move out of it into the managers in a developed country of the people living in the 3rd world country or move up and if you can’t move up, you move out of it.

[Night Hides Not]

If you are married, there is no “I pay”. Income, expense, assets and liability belong to the household.

For most of our marriage, my wife has earned more money than me. However, 90% of the time, I have paid the mortgage, utilities (electric, gas, water, and phone), in addition to withholding extra taxes from my W-4 because she always claims too many exemptions.

She pays for the car insurance, and some groceries. I don't mind it, because I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

She's like most women: her check is her money, my check is our money. For the woman in the article, I'm not feeling too sympathetic. I'd like to hear what her husband's dream job is, presumably it's in the field in which he got a graduate degree.

I was never that excited about money. Now that I'm a couple of years from retirement, I've picked out a hobby I can enjoy: wine & viticulture. Nothing better than visiting a winery, enjoying a good glass of wine and good conversation.

[AppyPappy]

Reading between the lines, it seems you see the problem with your scenario.

[Night Hides Not]

About seven years ago, I opened up my own bank account, to have my check deposited into it. My wife didn't like it one bit, still doesn't...lack of trust.

I got tired of her "borrowing from my paycheck" to help out her family, while she put off obligations into the next pay period. Turned into a vicious circle.

I like your idea of a bill paying account, though.

[Night Hides Not]

I think I simply have tried to resolve the problems in my scenario to a tolerable level. We've been married 30 years, so something must be going right.

Nothing in life is perfect, and I realize I'm not the easiest man to live with.

[combat_boots]

Long ago.....I was cleaned out 3 times financially. It changes you, trusting the wrong person.

[Night Hides Not]

So sorry to hear about that.

[Secret Agent Man]

Many women want to be the guy, until they don’t.

[Svartalfiar]

he went through two years of graduate school. My husband now has his dream job. ... He never imagined that he would spend all of his savings to follow his dreams to come out on the other end making a quarter of his prior salary.

Sounds like someone did a poor job of planning. What dream job is this that's so awesome, requires two years of graduate school, and makes 1/4 of the money that a non-graduate job made?

And if she's really that worried about all this, why not talk to him about going back to his old job where he made more money? It's her turn to go find her dream job!

[gop4lyf]

Based on our chosen professions my wife knew before we were married that she would always make more money than me. She doesn’t have an issue with it, and I sure as heck don’t. Why would I complain about more money?

[Hieronymus]

Amen