Posted on 03/25/2016 6:05:08 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
IN!! At last. Maybe top 50...?
Count yer blessings lad.
Explains so much.
IT'S F R I D A Y
The following were received from my friend who just turned 80....
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able
to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids
that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month
to the doctor and the doctor said,
‘Your hearing is perfect.. Your family
must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I’ve changed my will three times!’
Two elderly gentlemen
from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree
when one turns to the other and says:
‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.
I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’
An elderly couple
had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives
left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we
went out to a new restaurant and it was really great...
I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said,
‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
I love this one!
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet,
who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules,
he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the
bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure.’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too.
Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that.
You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream.
I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast ?’
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer..’
A man was telling his neighbor,
‘I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars,
but it’s state of the art.. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbor . ‘What kind is it?’
‘Twelve thirty..’
Maurice , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Maurice walking down
the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Maurice and said,
‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Maurice replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc:
‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’’
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said,
‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’
And One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into
an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly,
painfully, up onto a stool …
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
Now , before you ‘forget’, send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh.
An old 70 something Jewish guy walks into he Catholic confessional....
“Faddah, I have a Confession to make.
I met a girl, a beutiful thin of 13 years but our hearts sand to each other and we did it like rabbits though the day and the night, it was beautiful but I feel I must confess”
Pardon me but I detect from your manner of speaking that you are not Catholic and are possibly Jewish...
“That’s right Faddah”
So why are ou telling me this?
“I’m 76! I’m telling everyone!”
that was supposed to be 16 LOL
13 LOL
So Mohammed walks into a confessional...
So to old farmers meet at the crossroads
“good morning Cyrus”
‘good morning Ephriham’
“how are you?”
‘good, good, hows your Corn?’
“I got problems, the children they park their cars in the fields in the corn rows and they throw out beer cans, condoms and chewing gum wrappers, they are ruining the crop!!
How’ your Wheat?”
‘****ed Flat’
.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
.. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
.. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
And the cream of the twisted crop:
.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
When the wind blows, I can hear it whistling through your ears.
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