I was driving through northern Illinois last night listening to a call-in program on WGN in Chicago. People were calling in all upset about the goat's head sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field.
Some guy called in from Indiana and said, "Why are you all so upset cause someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley Field? Aren't you the guys that sent a horse's ass to the White House".
I almost ran off the road!
Please recycle:
I have the distinguished honor of being on the Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton.
We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside her husband William J. Clinton, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.
Thank you,
Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee
P.S. The Committee has raised $2.16 so far.
This one's been around but it's still funny:
Today I had to go to the mall. As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space. I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available. The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, "I'm not handicapped!"
Well, as you can imagine, my face was red! "Oh, I'm sorry," I said. "I saw your Obama bumper sticker, and I just assumed that you suffered from some sort of mental disorder."
She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me.
Boy! Some people don't appreciate it when you're just trying to help them out!
UNDERSTANDING OBAMACARE FOR DUMMIES (Presented as a public service)
Chapter 1
In order to insure the uninsured, we first have to un-insure the insured. Next, we require the newly un-insured to be re-insured. To re-insure the newly un-insured, they are required to pay extra charges to be re-insured. The extra charges are required so that the original insured, who became un-insured and then re-insured, can pay enough extra capital so that the original un-insured can be insured for free.
The End
Disabled cat. Uh huh...
DADDY IS A GAY DANCER
The fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth..
However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet. When the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money..."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Tommy aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama elected, but that's too embarrassing to say in front of the other kids."
Excuse me for linking to a outside source: 25 puns so terrible they should be made illegal. Worth the click.
Julius Malema has gone to court to have the word "blacklisted" banned.
Required to state his case, Julius said: "This racist word is demoralizing for the Blacks of this country! How can you put people on a list just because they're black, why not put whites on a list also?".
The judge, looking pained and after thinking for a minute said: "Whites are on a separate list, they are called "Tax payers."
Case dismissed!
Here are six Conundrums of socialism in the United States of America:
- America is capitalist and greedy - yet half of the population is subsidized.
- Half of the population is subsidized - yet they think they are victims.
- They think they are victims - yet their representatives run the government.
- Their representatives run the government - - yet the poor keep getting poorer.
- The poor keep getting poorer - yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about.
- They have things that people in other countries only dream about - yet they want America to be more like those other countries.
- We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics. Funny how that works.
- Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money. How come we never hear about welfare or food stamps running out of money? What's interesting is the first group "worked for" their money, but the second didn't. Think about it..
- Why are we cutting benefits for our veterans, no pay raises for our military and cutting our army to a level lower than before WWII, but we are not stopping the payments or benefits to illegal aliens. Am I missing something?
Amen Sister!!
