[Lazamataz]

My excuses, in order of frequency of use.

1. "I had to dispose of the body."

2. "Aliens."

3. "I had to make sure you were out of the house before I slept with your wife, didn't I?"

4. "Witches."

5. "I was mobbed by Machine-Gun-Toting Robot Cowboy Turtles."

[Buckeye McFrog]

I once had an employee who tried to use “the cat knocked over my alarm clock” six times in a row.

Needless to say, she eventually ended up in rehab.

[Responsibility2nd]

I’ve been known to tell my boss; “I’m cramping really bad today and I’m flowing even worse.”

He always says.. “Dude. Just shut up and get in here”.

Another favorite excuse: “I have anal glaucoma. Yeah, I just can’t see my ass coming in today”.

[MrB]

Instead of “witches”, say “gnomes”, or whisper conspiratorially - “little people”.

They’ll leave you alone.

True story - I had a friend of a friend that wanted to go with us to the lake one weekend but couldn’t get out of work,
so - best excuse ever - told his supervisor that he was IN JAIL. He had a fun weekend.

[jmacusa]

Temporary amnesia.

[Rodamala]

6. Zombies
7. Swedish Bikini Team bus got a flat and was blocking the highway until I changed the tire.
8. Twerking accident.
9. Chupacabras
10. Yeah, it was definitely Zombies.

[usconservative]

I once used “I was stuck in fourth gear with the pedal stuck to the floor” .... Ironically there was a high speed chase on tv that very morning and some folks thought I escaped the law, making it to work.