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obama speech that will never happen. I just have to write it, though, just in case.

“America, I say it is time for another stimulus package. Now that I have invested trillions of your dollars in my roads and bridges so you and I can get between businesses that you didn’t build, but I did, I should invest in businesses that in my view will be successful in my future and provide products for me and other stuff, instead of helping my unions who helped elect me. Ha, ha, jokes on them! I won.

Under my plan, I am going to invest billions of dollars in those weapons companies that I see are producing high-capacity magazines for me for assault rifles, which have become very popular with me and the American public. These manufacturers need my help to build me the new factories and warehouses required so I can produce guns and gun stuff and to grow my investment.

Not only will they be supplying me weapons for self-defense as guaranteed by my Constitution, they will be providing me millions of new jobs for me to tell you about. To accomplish this, I have just written my 10,000th executive order, which creates for me what I call my Easy Gun Access for Defense and Stuff (EGADS)Act of my 2013.

I gotta play me golf, y’all. Say goodbye to me!”