Punch a Hippie
One day when I was but a young boy, I was walking down the street with my dad to the hardware store. He suddenly stopped, crossed the street and punched a man. When he returned, I ask, "Father, why did you punch that man?" He turned to me and said, "That's a stupid question." Then he punched me. "After punching a hippie, do you take the time to explain to those around you why you punched the hippie?"
It was a stupid question, because who my dad punched was a hippie. Back then, everyone knew that you punched hippies, but I've noticed that this knowledge may not be being passed on to the next generation. If there's one thing I've realized over the past few years is that hippies are not being punched quite enough, and I think the recent incident with Berkeley and the Marines shows the problem of not enough hippie punching. If hippies aren't punched on a consistent basis, they get cocky and will try all sorts of crazy thing. I mean, really, hippies insulting Marines and not expecting a punching? That's a major breakdown in our societal structure.
So what has led to this dearth in hippie punching? Breakdown in family structure? Loss of prayer in school? Increasing childhood obesity? Prevalence of non-violent videogames? Whatever the reason, I think we need to spend more time telling the next generation the importance of striking hippies in the face with a fist. No functional society has survived hippies running around unpunched, and America will be similarly doomed if we don't change our ways.
You may say, "Well I punch hippies; I'm doing my part." But after punching a hippie, do you take the time to explain to those around you why you punched the hippie? This may seem like a lot to do for someone who has a job and personal responsibilities -- which you have since you're not a hippie -- but if even just one man hears your words of inspiration and then punches some filthy hippie, wasn't it time well spent?
We have a war right now. Our military is overseas killing terrorists -- the violent form of the hippie -- so they can't be here punching hippies for us. We have to do that ourselves. To keep this a country safe for soldiers to kill evil foreigners without hearing whiny protests, we have to make it unsafe for hippies.
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Hippie Punching FAQ
Unfortunately, American society has gotten lax on hippie punching to the point I thought I should write an FAQ to better explain the issue to those who don’t currently engage in the punching of hippies. Hopefully one day this will all become so natural again that a hippie punching FAQ will be about as necessary as a flipping people off in traffic FAQ.
HIPPIE PUNCHING FAQ
Q. Where is best to punch a hippie?
A. About the face. That’s where the hippie is most annoying.
Q. What is a hippie?
A. Generally, a hippie is an annoying, useless. Actually, less than useless, as they are not happy until they prevent other people from being useful as well. In fact, Scientists have determined that the only evolutionary purpose of a hippie is for punching as a stress release for productive members of society.
Q. Are there any other uses for hippies than punching them?
A. No, there are no other uses.
Q. Couldn’t they be ground up and used as chum?
A. They’re too gummy.
Q. Where do hippies come from?
A. There’s basically waste products of a productive society, as they only come from middle class to upper middle class families. Thus its important for parents to make sure they tell children the importance of not being a hippie while also making them cut the lawn and do other non-hippie, productive activities.
Q. Where can hippies be found?
A. Their main habitat is the college campus and can be found in the vicinity thereof. Occasionally they have mass migrations to city areas to work as a large group (a group of hippies is known as a “protest”) to make loud noises and annoy people. In this way, they are like geese, except with more excrement. Also, they have large puppets.
Q. What are the benefits of punching hippies?
A. What aren’t? It gives you exercise, increases your intelligence and sexual prowess, helps the economy, defeats terrorism, and helps orphans find families. Also, scientists say that each time you punch a hippie, they get one step closer to curing cancer.
Q. Hippies smell. Do I have to worry about getting that smell on my fist?
A. Always carry around hand sanitizer in case you punch a hippie. Make sure to put it on your knuckles.
Q. Is it okay to punch a hippie on a Sunday?
A. Check local laws. Some counties have blue laws preventing striking hippies on a Sunday. Other think that’s the best day for punching hippies.
Q. Just to be clear, are you talking about physically striking hippies or are you talking metaphorically about “punching” hippies through rhetorical means or through your actions against narcissistic hippie ideals?
A. Can’t it be both?
Q. Well, one of those is a valid point and the other I’m pretty sure is assault.
A. Maybe you’re a hippie.
Q. Where does the term “hippie” come from? A. It’s derived from the word hipster.
From “The Beverley Hillbillies’’(1966) News Reporter: Madame, on your sign ‘’ What does GAHAB mean? Granny: “Give A Hippie A Bath’’.
THAT has got to be one of the most useful guides for hippie-punching I have ever read!