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(smile) why do you want to manipulate those who are? (smile)
Most people who wonder if they are a narcissist are not narcissists. NPD’s do not believe there is anything wrong with them but find great fault with everyone else. Sometimes NPD’s admit they did something wrong etc. but it’s always to appear modest or in an area they didn’t value.
We all have narcissistic tendencies that we try to minimize and grow through. You can read the material and think ‘hey...I remember the time I had that thought’. But approx. 10% of the population are so severely wounded that they don’t have a conscience, are narcissistic personality disordered and therefore have very damaging relationships with people.
Here is a list of 9 traits that professionals use to diagnose NPD. A person must have at least 5 of the traits to receive a clinical diagnosis of NPD. Remember that these behaviors are marked and profoundly damaging in their impact and sometimes very well hidden in people so don’t worry if you have NPD if you can identify with a point here or there and make sure that you look at creative ways that a person can actually fit the criteria.
* grandiose sense of self-importance
* preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
* belief that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
* need for excessive admiration
* sense of entitlement
* takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
* lacks empathy
* often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
* shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

I did not realize a close friend was NPD for over 20 years (well I was young when I met her) partly because her false image of herself is that of ‘martyr’ and ‘saint’ so no matter how bad I felt after talking to her sometimes, no matter how disappointed I might be to encounter callousness in her at crucial times in my life- I kept prompting myself to remember all the self sacrificing things I knew she had done. An expert on NPD asked me once “She’s your friend? Ok then. Does she build you up or tear you down?” I stumbled around for an answer. He kept interupting me and asking me the same question. I finally conceded that she was a very nice person but had a limited emotional range and was not able to be an encouraging person - she had a different personality that liked to serve. He again asked the same question (up or down) and I focused a little more to realize that she tended to chip away at my self esteem but I thought she genuinely saw flaws in me that she was commenting on and that isn’t wrong per se. But after alot of evaluation I realized that she is fun, entertaining, flexible etc. only when it suits her, only to serve her interests. When she bought a new car (we were both so poor at the time it was quite a feat) I celebrated with her, thanked God etc. About a year later, I was also blessed with a car - you should have seen the look on her face. She sat rigidly in the car as we drove into town, her back barely touching the seat. After looking around the interior she asked in a judgemental tone of voice ‘so - how many upgrades did you buy?’ I was started - I said “none! I was trying to get the guy to keep the floormats and give me a discount instead!’ she silently turned to look out the window. That was all she could say - she acted like I had received something that she should have received. And sadly I had to look closer at this ‘self-sacrificing’ friend and see a thread of this behavior had persisted throughout our friendship. She has NPD but not to a severe degree (she can keep friends and jobs without her NPD interfering much) and is fairly well hidden. She always said I was different from all her other friends...I began to notice that they were far more intense narcissists than she was. I wondered ‘what does she get out her friendships with them?’ and then I realized ‘nothing. And that’s what she gets out of her friendship with me - nothing. In her world her friends are objects that help her do what she wants to do - she had no concept of ‘loyal friend’ and found nothing emotionally rewarding about friendship. All these years I thought we had mutually supportive friendship and I had to face the fact that she really had no regard for me or my happiness; we had a good time sewing together and shopping for fabric because these are activities she likes to do. Once you start looking, you wonder how you missed it all these years. I have to say - it’s crushing to go through that because you realize that they will never understand the warmth of friendship, the love of family members etc. They hear about it, read about it, want it, and are not capable of it.