Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers out there!
Whoo Hoo, Friday.
About time!
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2005, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \..... reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Joe's will provided $ 30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $ 30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $ 6,500. I donated $ 500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $ 500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big
is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming
around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
patrolled the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a
prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being
eaten"
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears
and says, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old
mate.
Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All
his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't
realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his Sad plight.
While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't
believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a
prawn. He begs the cod to change him back, so lo and behold, he is turned back
into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and
bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail -
it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked?
"He's at home distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and
became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain the torture, he set off
to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding
back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend,
come out and see me again."
Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll
not be tricked."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed ..............
(Wait for it. Here it comes....)
(Keep scrolling.....)
...........................
"I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian."
I dont know if that's the silliest wedding cake.
My wedding cake was a stock car iced to be Dale Earnhardt's #3 Monte Carlo.
The black icing turned everyone's tongue green.
Maybe I'll look into getting a picture of it scanned in so I can post it.
LONDON (Reuters) - More than 60 percent of Britons use items such as screwdrivers, scissors and earrings to remove food from between their teeth, according to a survey published Friday.
The National Dental Survey found that, when it came to oral hygiene, people used whatever was close to hand to pick their teeth.
More than 60 percent questioned by the British Dental Health Foundation said they used makeshift items, including knives, keys, needles and forks.
The survey also found that 23 percent of people chose to leave food stuck between their teeth, increasing the risk of gum disease and bad breath, according to the foundation which promotes oral health.
Subject: Now Some Mexicans Are Sending Computer Viruses
BUENOS DIAS!!!
JOU HAVE YUST RECEIBED A MEHICAN BYRUS.
SIN WE NO HABE SO GOOD TECHNIOLOGICALLY ADBANCE IN MEHICO, DEES IS A
MANUAL BYRUS.
PLEESE DELETE ALL JOUR FILES ON JOUR HARD-DRIVE JOURSELF AND SEND THEES
E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW.
TANK JOU FOR HALPING ME.
JULIO MANUEL JOSE RODRIGUEZ-GARCIA
----MEXICAN HACKER---