35 Things you would like to say at work,...but won't...
but should
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
8. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
9. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
10. Visualizing? I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you being competent.
12. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
14. And your cry-baby whiny opinion would be...?
15. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
16. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
17. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
18. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
19. So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
20. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
21. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
22. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
23. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
24. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
25. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
26. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
27. No, my powers can only be used for good.
28. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
29. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
30. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
31. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
32. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
33. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
34. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
35. Some day we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
My former boss had a t-shirt with that saying. In reality, he was busy all the time, and not just in his cells.