All one can say take a deep breath and
Dear Tony: I am literally trembling after reading about the horrible hate crime on your campus. Can you please immediately send me:
1. A personal grief counselor, preferably blonde, blue eyes, cute as a button, vivacious and cheerful. The extra bedroom is all cleaned and ready for her. I think a six month in-site assignment should suffice. My grief would be more assuaged if she enjoys candlelight Thai dinners.
2. A companion animal to help me proces this horrible crime. A German Shepherd, about 12 months old, house-broken would be most helpful. A dog with appropriate breeding papers would help most of all.
3. A case of Play-Doh.
4. Two gross of facial tissues.
5. A case of Pappy Van Winkle’s Family Reserve 20 Year to help me forget this vicious crime.
Yours in our common grief and angst,
POF