Posted on 04/16/2016 11:58:16 AM PDT by John Semmens
In Thursday’s debate, Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (S-Vt) wowed the Party faithful by promising that “economic dislocation and job losses will necessarily be part of our strategy to combat global climate change. The demise of any business or any individual, for that matter, must be a price we’re willing to pay to save the planet.”
“Our addiction to prosperity must end,” Sanders demanded. “Most of humanity around the globe lives without the conveniences to which Americans have become accustomed. How can we justify luxuries like air conditioning, cable television, and private automobiles when the cost of these items is environmental destruction?”
Sanders vowed to “totally destroy the fossil fuel industry and return this country to the simpler and more frugal lifestyle of an earlier, pre-industrial era. Instead of burning coal or gas to heat our homes in winter, families can huddle together and use body heat for warmth. And if we abolish laws against public nudity in the summer we can let our bodies be air-cooled.”
The Senator also pointed out that “public nudity would ease concerns that voyeurs would invade the showers and restrooms of members of the opposite gender for illicit purposes. There would be no need for a pervert to feign a transgender identity to peep at women.”
“Jobs are just a means to an end,” Sanders reminded. “If we can dial back our obsession with material comforts we may come to realize that unemployment is often a blessing. The gains in leisure time are immense. With the government providing subsistence for all, each individual can rise to pursue a higher purpose than he or she has been able to under a capitalist system that forces so many into wage-slavery.”
In related news, Oregon Federal District Court Magistrate, Judge Thomas Coffin ruled that “children have standing to sue the government for failure to take sufficient action to prevent climate change. Nominally, the power to take action is vested in elected representatives. However, children are currently disenfranchised. Since today’s children will bear the brunt of any long term consequences of inaction, it is the Court’s obligation to remedy this defect in the system. If they can persuasively make the case for remedial measures the Court will order the government to implement such measures.”
if you missed any of this week's other semi-news/semi-satire posts you can find them at...
https://azconservative.org/2016/04/15/sanders-says-unemployment-a-viable-weapon-in-war-against-global-warming/
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