The Condo Commando, Part 1

Just what does Condo Commando mean? Moving to Florida from Northern regions, new Floridians may be confused both by this term and by the exact meaning and authority of a Home Owner’s Association (HOA). Let’s first consider how to characterize someone who volunteers for or is elected to serve on a Homeowners’ Association Board of Trustees.

Clearly this is a topic which affects people nationwide given the number of folks expressing frustration and anger in comments on various websites. There has even been a Texas shooting spree, the purported result of corrupt tactics on the part of a state Homeowner’s Association! Certain traits seem to evince themselves especially for prospective trustees relocating to Florida’s east coast, having journeyed south along the I-95 corridor from the boroughs of New York City, or from New Jersey shores and environs.

The first characteristic IMHO involves a retired male married to a borough mama with a twelve foot, New York mouth. This always insufferable, often inconsiderate female has either entirely emasculated her spouse or, over their years of married life, depleted his testosterone level to the faint strain of hormonal activity the poor guy only vaguely remembers from his twenties.

These new Florida wives are refugees from an expired bottle of very black hair dye–recently applied–which at times may drip down to merge with perceptible rivulets of black, very black, mascara which is the result of tears used as a last resort to maintain control over their male! Therefore, to pump up his testosterone, adrenals, androids, or whatever daddy parts need to be rejuvenated, this man--often with a Neeeew Yawk nasality of his own--seeks election to an HOA Board in order to re-exert the maleness he lost decades ago upon saying the words “I Do.”

Our home is in a great area, and it had some strict homeowner rules when we moved in. The original land owner was a hard nosed retired Marine Officer, who became a petty supervisor for local government. He had some fairly tight restrictions like no fences and having to keep the same paint color and never removing any trees including feral and planted non native trees.

He and I butted heads several times re the paint. My original paint was a stain that didn’t protect the wood and ended up not being made any more. When I had to replace the south facing wood due to the worthless paint, I used a newer latex bonding.

He went ballistic, and I handed my bill to him for replacing the siding and two paint jobs in a few years and demanded payment. He went ballistic and a lawyer we both knew told him that I could demand payment from he and the other property owners because of the demanding of a certain stain/paint that didn’t work.

We didn’t speak much after that. He moved on to the big sky or below.

Since then, we have repainted our house two more times. We have had the painter paint samples on the street side. If anyone didn’t like them, they could write letter. That has worked well.

The no fences has become a serious issue with our expanding deer population. We couldn’t plant anything that the deer would not eat. The lady, who semi took over the responsibilities told us we could put in a deer fence if we used wood posts stained green instead of metal posts. We did and now have a garden and roses in our back and side yards.

A new comer tried to revise the original HOA guidelines, and no one came to the meeting. His wife was raised in a Florida Condo and was probably the pusher. I told him that since he moved in, he has construction trucks and yard guys doing things to his house without ever asking anyone for about two years. I told him that I was tired of looking at the big blue rental porta potty that has been in his yard next to mine for over a year for his jobs.

So now we are back to common sense not some damn dictator convenants.

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