Three Things You Don’t Know About Your Children and Sex

AnneMarieMiller ^ | August 19, 2013 | Anne Marie Miller

[NYer]

Dear Parents,

Please allow me a quick moment to introduce myself before we go much further. My name is Anne Marie Miller. I’m thirty-three years old. I’m newly married to a wonderful man named Tim. We don’t have any children yet, but we plan to. For the purpose of this letter, you need to know I’m a recovering addict. Pornography was my drug of choice.

I grew up in the church – the daughter of a Southern Baptist preacher man with a passion for learning the Bible. I was the honors student; the athlete; the girl who got along with everyone from the weird kids to the popular ones. It was a good life. I was raised in a good home.

It was 1996, I was sixteen, and the Internet was new. After my family moved from a sheltered, conservative life in west Texas to the ethnically and sexually diverse culture of Dallas/Fort Worth, I found myself lonely, curious, and confused.

Because of the volatile combination of life circumstances: the drastic change of scenery when we moved, my dad’s depression, and a youth pastor who sexually abused me during my junior year of high school, I turned to the Internet for education. I didn’t know what certain words meant or if what the youth pastor was doing to me was good or bad and I was too afraid to ask. What started as an innocent pursuit of knowledge quickly escalated into a coping mechanism.

When I looked at pornography, I felt a feeling of love and safety – at least for a brief moment. But those brief moments of relief disappeared and I was left even more ashamed and confused than when I started. Pornography provided me both an emotional and a sexual release.

For five years I carried this secret. I was twenty-one when I finally opened up to a friend only because she opened up to me first about her struggle with sexual sin. We began a path of healing in 2001 and for the last twelve years, although not a perfect journey, I can say with great confidence God has set me free from that addiction and from the shame that followed. I returned to school to study the science behind addiction and family dynamics.

Over the last six years I’ve had the opportunity to share my story in a variety of venues: thousands of college students, men, women and teens. This summer, I was invited to speak at several camps to both junior high and high school students and it’s without exaggeration when I tell you with each year I counsel students, the numbers and the stories shock me more and more.

There are more students compulsively looking at pornography at younger ages and with greater frequency than ever before.

This summer, by a long stretch, was the “worst” in terms of what secrets I learned students carried. After my last night speaking at my last camp, I retreated to my room and collapsed on the bed face-first. Tim simply laid his hand on my back to comfort me.

I could not logically reconcile in my mind all the confessions I heard over the summer with the children who shared them. While every story was unique in the details, in most situations, there were three common themes that kept surfacing.

1. Google is the new Sex-Ed: Remember the first time you, as a parent, saw pornography? Likely it was a friend’s parent who had a dirty magazine or maybe you saw something somebody brought to school. Now, when a student hears a word or phrase they don’t understand, they don’t ask you what it means (because they fear getting in trouble). They don’t ask their friends (because they fear being ashamed for not knowing). They ask Google.Google won’t judge them for not knowing. Because of our short attention spans and desire for instant gratification, they don’t click the first link that shows up – they go straight to Google Images. In almost all of the stories I heard, this is how someone was first exposed to pornography – Google Image searching. The average age of first exposure in my experience was 9 years old.
2. If Your Child was Ever Molested, You Likely Don’t Know: Another extremely common theme was children being inappropriately touched, often by close family members or friends. When I was molested at sixteen, I didn’t tell a soul until I was in my twenties. I didn’t tell my own mother until I was twenty-eight. The stigma and shame of being a victim coupled with the trauma that happens with this experience is confusing to a child of any age: our systems weren’t made to process that event. Many things keep children from confessing abuse: being told they’ve made it up or are exaggerating, being a disappointment, and in most cases, getting the other person in trouble. While a child can look at pornography without being abused, children who have been molested by and large look at pornography and act out sexually. 
3. Your Child is Not the Exception: After speaking with a youth pastor at a camp, he said most parents live with the belief their child is the exception. Your child is not. The camps I went to this summer weren’t camps full of children on life’s fringes that one would stereotypically believe experience these traumatic events or have access to these inappropriate things. You must throw your stereotypes aside. Most of the children at these camps were middle class, mostly churched students. Let me give you a snapshot of a few things I heard from these students:

• They’ve sent X-rated photos of themselves to their classmates (or received them).
• They’ve exposed themselves to strangers on the Internet or through sexting.
• They’ve seen pornography.
• They’ve read pornography.
• They’ve watched pornography.
• The girls compare their bodies to the ones they see in ads at the mall or of actresses and keep those images hidden on their phone (or iPod, or whatever device they have) so they can try to imitate them.
• They question their sexuality.
• They’ve masturbated.
• They know exactly where and in what movies sex scenes are shown and they watch them for sexual gratification.
• They’ve had a homosexual experience.

And they’re terrified to tell you.

But maybe you’re right. Maybe your child is the exception. I would argue at this juncture in life, being the exception is as equally dangerous.

At the end of every session I presented I intentionally and clearly directed students to ask me or another leader if they didn’t understand or know what a certain word meant. “Do not go to the Internet and look it up.”

Sure enough, there is always the child who stays behind until everyone leaves and quietly asks what the word “porn” means or if God is angry because that boy or girl from down the street told them it was okay for them to touch them “down there.” There is the child in the back row who leans over to his friend and asks, “what does molest mean?” and the other boy shrugs.

This summer, I am beyond grateful that mature, God-fearing adults were available to answer those questions with grace and tact and maturity; that we were in a setting that was safe for questions and confessions. It was entirely appropriate. Not every child gets that opportunity. Most won’t. Most will find out from the Internet or from a peer who isn’t equipped to provide the correct answer in the correct context.

As the summer camp season ends, I feel a shift in my heart. For the last six years, I’ve felt a calling to share with students how God has set me free from the shame and actions of my past and that they aren’t alone (because they truly believe they are). One college dean referred to me as “the grenade we’re tossing into our student body to get the conversation of sex started” because they realized how sweeping these topics under the rug caused their students to live trapped and addicted and ashamed. I will continue sharing my testimony in that capacity as long as there is a student in front of me that needs to hear it.

However, I am more aware now more than ever before in my ministry how little parents know about what’s happening. And because I’m not a parent, I feel terribly inadequate in telling you this.

But I can’t not tell you. After seeing the innocence in the eyes of ten year olds who’ve carried secrets nobody, let alone a child, should carry; after hearing some of the most horrific accounts from students I’ve ever heard this year, I cannot go one more day without pleading with you to open up and have these difficult conversations with your children. Would you prefer your son or daughter learn what a “fetish” is from you or from searching Google Images? Talk to them about abuse and yes, even trafficking.

Just this month I met a relative of a girl whose own mother was selling her body from the time she was five until now, when she’s sixteen. This was not in some drug-infested ghetto. It was in a very upscale town in a very upscale state known for its nature and beauty and summer houses.

Your children need to know. If not for them, maybe for a friend. Maybe they can help bring context or see warning signs.

Ask them what they know. Ask them what they’ve done. Ask them what’s been done to them. Show grace and love. Stay far away from judgment and condemnation. If you feel ill equipped, ask a pastor or counselor for help. If you hear an answer you didn’t expect and your first instinct is to dismiss it – don’t. Find a counselor. Look for resources. Continue following up. If you struggle with this (and let’s admit it, statistically, a lot of us do), get help too.

Do the right thing, the hard thing, for the sake of your children. If we don’t do this now, I am terrified of how the enemy will continue stealing hope and joy from our youngest generation and how they’ll be paralyzed to advance the Kingdom of God as they mature.

We cannot let this happen on our watch.

*Specific details that could identify children have been changed in such a way that it does not affect the story and only protects the children. Mandatory Reporters reported confessions that involved abuse or neglect or situations that indicated a child was in any type of danger by using proper state laws and procedures.

[NYer]

*Because of the unexpected traffic I’m experiencing, you may occasionally get an error message if you post a comment or re-visit the site at a later time. If you refresh a few times, that should work. We are working diligently to resolve this issue and are grateful so many people are sharing this.

[NYer]

FYI, ping!

[SkyDancer]

Children and sex? Well if you had children that should answer that question.

[Rightly Biased]

fer later

[steve86]

We use OpenDNS on everything, Google locked safe-search, kids don’t have phones with browsing capability, not allowed to go into other kids houses or hang around unless basically sitting in front of trusted parent (and we check), etc. We’re under no misconception we can control access forever, but at least this gives us time to teach right and wrong.

[montag813]

Because of the volatile combination of life circumstances: the drastic change of scenery when we moved, my dad’s depression,and a youth pastor who sexually abused me during my junior year of high school...

SCREEEEECH! I stopped reading right there. Where were her parents to deal with this? What was done?

[MeganC]

The thing about pornography is that it isn’t always hiding in shawdowy corners of the internet or on the pay-per-view channels on cable.

Anymore it’s being taught in public school classroms under the guise of ‘curriculum’ or else it’s hiding in plain sight on network television in the form of innuendoes and jokes on programs like “Two Broke Girls”, “2.5 Men”, and your local news.

It comes in the form of women’s maganizes that come with headlines like: “Know your G-spot!” and “Things to drive your man crazy in bed!”

And you can’t even go to Costco anymore without seeing “50 Shades of Gray” on their bookshelves.

Try avoiding it anymore. It’s impossible.

And the author is dead right that it has a corrupting influence. Just a few years ago I was contemplating having a baby without having a marriage and it seemed an acceptable idea at the time. I’d been abused at 16 just like the author and that left me damaged and given my family wasn’t all into values anyway it’s a wonder I didn’t go off the rails.

What’s funny with me is I accidentally made some good choices for the wrong reasons and it all worked out for the best.

What’s sad are the millions of people who can’t say the same.

[bigbob]

That struck me to. And who is to know the impact of that abuse vs whatever she alleges was a result of porn.

People are curious, kids are just little people. The means are certainly there and more available now than at anytime in the past, but I didn’t find much in this article that came as a surprise or shock. We talk about it every day on FR.

I do suspect that the author still has some unresolved issues to deal with.

[TalonDJ]

If you stopped there then you missed the entire point of the article.

[MeganC]

“SCREEEEECH! I stopped reading right there. Where were her parents to deal with this? What was done?”

There’s no explanation as to what the sexual abuse was. IMHO the worst kind of abuse is the kind that other people will see as a matter of perception like inappropriate hugging.

What is ‘inappropriate hugging’?

Defining it in words is not so easy but you know it when it happens.

And then taking on a popular youth pastor means committing social suicide and any teenage girl who says she doesn’t weigh the social costs of making such charges is lying. So it ends up being easier to ignore it at the time and pretend it’s okay only to think about it years later as an adult and to see it for what it was.

[peyton randolph]

“We don’t have any children yet”

****

Yet somehow she’s an expert on how to raise them. Fat chance.

[CharlotteVRWC]

I just found out about the horrors of the ask.fm website about 2 weeks ago.

Twentyfive percent of my daughters classmates (8th grade) are already on the website. The school has sent out a warning letter to all parents about it, and plan to hold some workshops on social media. The high school students are being asked perverted questions (all anonymously), Your eyes will pop out of your head, when you read/discover what is going on with this website. There have been several suicides due to cyberbullying on this website.

[steve86]

I left out the frequent prayers to St. Michael the Archangel for protection from evil.

[Slyfox]

Anymore it’s being taught in public school classroms under the guise of ‘curriculum’

The government schools have been teaching kids sex education for the last 40 years.

Planned Parenthood employees make regular visits in order to ready the students for their eventual visits for their eventual abortions.

Sexual practice is needed in order to keep all of the entities employed.

The abortion and porn industries make a lot of money from the sexual practices and the "collateral damage" or the pregnancies that result.

So, they gotta have the kids interested in masturbation and sex with as many partners as possible.

In other words, our kids are screwed.

[kelly4c]

Now that my child is grown I can look back and see not only my own mistakes as a parent, but how the mistakes my own parents made with me caused some of them. My folks were religious but narrow minded. Didn’t like me expressing any thoughts or emotions which made them uncomfortable and expected me to think as they did. They openly gave each other looks or smirks sometimes when I talked to them together. Condescending imo. The summer of my 13th birthday they caught me with a 23 year old man (local party house) and I was not able to tell them he had molested me that day, until I was 30. And then when I did lo and behold my father asked me why I let it happen, why didn’t I scream or fight and blamed me. Even after the rape, due to the way my mother had “the talk” with me prior, I thought what he did meant he “loved” me. He talked about taking me away with him and being married lol. I ended up in a serious relationship 3 years later (with someone my age) Mom used to go through my purse and one day she found birth control pills. She was upset and told me simply to throw them out right then and there. Ended up pregnant at 17. My life, was cut short and taken down a very hard road which led me to a place of deep depression and helplessness. Had I not had a baby and forced to marry I know I’d be a different person in a different place right now and I long for it sometimes. Guilty of that yes. But I suffered from verbal and emotional abuse at the hands of my husband and then my daughter. And I had nobody to help me deal with it. My mother was emotionally unavailable most of the time and I could tell she harbored animosity towards me. Getting too long I’ll end this now lol.

[SumProVita]

The problem with Google Search is a real one. I used to search there to find images for my power point presentations. No matter what word is used for searching...one can almost always see disgusting pornographic images turn up as a result.

I now use Google to search for images only as a LAST resort.

[CharlotteVRWC]

Just found out from a techy friend of mine,,,he said that when he searched his name on Google, he found google search had pulled up CHAT ROOM talk transcripts from a forum he was on from 1995 !

These kids chatting and talking perversely (many are using their full names) on ask.fm can get their conversations pulled up on a google search engine, or even directly up in a browser.

[Black Agnes]

When I was pregnant with my first child, hubby and I had occasion to attend a swanky reception.

So, I purchased a swanky maternity dress. But the dress shop didn’t have anything in the way of a slip. I’m an old fashioned girl and wearing a slip with the type of dress I’d purchased was mandatory.

We didn’t have kids yet so we didn’t have any filters or safe searches on our internet connection.

So, I did a google search for

‘maternity lingerie’.

I was unable to purchase enough brain bleach to completely get over that...

Hubby still laughs and picks on me about it.

[wbill]

yep.

The author makes a few cogent points. The pornography that's readily available to about anyone in this day and age bears no resemblance to the "Playboy" magazines that my generation stole out of our Dad's sock drawer. It's worth keeping an eye on kids' computer time, if nothing else than to avoid inadvertent exposure.

However, to tut-tut over teenaged boys having an interest in dirty pictures, and even (gasp) masturbating, as this author does, plays to all of the worst conservative sterotypes that there are.

Jeez, just being around for your kids, spending time with them, showing interest in their interests - will elicit a whole lot better response than this authors suggestion of pointedly asking them 'Are you looking at porn?!!'. Parents don't need to be their friends, they need to be their parents...but that can be accomplished through a strong family and a whole lot of hard work.

[MeganC]

When I was 14 and attending a public school in Corona, California this was required reading in my freshman English 1A class:

http://books.google.com/books/about/The_Wantons.html?id=btaXCkhsv_oC

I kept the book and got busted for having it in my book bag when I was in high school in Sacramento. They kept the book but excused me after I pointed out the Corona-Norco USD stamp inside the cover.

Until then I didn’t realize how bad it really was.

Seven years later I realize it was just porn.