Start Billy Mays Voice:
Are you being threatened by local Islamists Psychopaths? Do NATO backed Islamic thugs try to claim your natural resources? Is being a slave to the Sultan not on your to-do list?
Don't get mad. Call Vlad.
And if you call right now as part of this special offer you get to join the New Soviet Empire. It is an offer you just can't say no to. But wait, that's not all. You also get to buy all your fuel from the Russians. How much would you pay for that, more than you think.
It is time to rid yourself of that effeminate democratic leadership and get a big manly dose of Russian Mafia Oppression. Call now!