Barack Obama needs a Simon Cowell

As Barack Obama marks his 100th day in office, it's hard to think of anything of real substance the president has achieved. On the domestic front there's yet more reckless government spending, endless bailouts, stimulus packages, tax rises, threatened nationalizations, ominous talk of socialized healthcare, and no sign at all of an economic recovery.

In terms of national security the Obama administration has already succeeded in demoralizing the intelligence services and deeply dividing the country with the selective release of interrogation memos and threats of prosecution, and is trying to force a series of defence cuts through Congress at a time when the U.S. is still fighting wars on several fronts. Obama has dropped the war on terror altogether in favour of an "overseas contingency operation", hardly the message to send when al-Qaeda is planning strikes against America from the Afghan-Pakistan border.

It's even worse on the world stage where President Obama has prostrated the greatest power on the face of the earth before France and Germany, Russia, Iran, Saudi Arabia and Venezuela (to name just a few), and apologized for almost every conceivable policy of the previous administration, as though the United States had just been liberated from a brutal tyranny. No world leader has done more in recent memory to apologize for the actions of his own country than Barack Obama, and that includes Jimmy Carter.

And what has Obama gained in return? Hardly a single long-term combat troop from European "allies" for the NATO-led mission in Afghanistan, an increasingly belligerent Iran that is closer than ever to acquiring nuclear weapons capability, a resurgent Russia and North Korea, and a volatile Pakistan that teeters on the edge of Islamist-fuelled anarchy.

(Most effective to be read in your best Simon Cowel brain voice as he addresses a happless looking B-HO standing on stage.)

SIMON COWEL: Well, for once I will have to agree with Schnucki, IC, and Ghost of PM. Your first 100 days have been nothing more than abysmal. Rather than having endured your first 100, I was sitting here the whole time wishing they were your last 100. Barry, look... (CLAMMOROUS BOOING MSM CROWD INTERRUPTS WITH ‘’IT'S ‘BARRACK’!’’) What'd they say? ‘Barrack’? Ok, well yes - that explains a lot right there, Barry/Barrack, whatever. You don't know who you are or what you're doing. That entire time, I thought you'd come rolling down the stairs because you can't seem to take your eyes off the telly-prompter. It was like an excruciatingly bad karaoke performance! I don't know where the malfunction lies, with you or the machine. Barry, it's - (MSM CROWD INTERRUPTS WITH ‘’BARRRRACK!!!’’) -it’s like like watching someone ELSE who's watching a very long and boring tennis match! Your neck must be aching from all that churning to and fro...isn't it? (SIMON GETS STAMMERING RESPONSE BUT CONTINUES.) There's so much I need to dive into but we risk running over time again. Suffice it to say, that if you're ever to become even remotely presidential, you don't bow down to anyone short of God Almighty Himself. I'm afraid you're up there on the world stage simply because you didn't get enough attention from Daddy or somethi- (MSM CROWD BOOS WILDLY!!) -What did I say???! Barry-ack, another thing... You're completely ‘tone deaf’ when it comes to some of the most basic sensibilities. You not only let one of two of your own personal govt paid for jets get out of hand for a presumptuously wasteful joyride, but you terrified about 1000 of your fans on the ground in doing so! (RYAN S. APPROACHES) Listen, the ‘Secrest Service’ is giving me the evil eye and I need to wrap this up. Let me just end the suffering saying that this year's competition is NOT impressive (MSM CROWD BOOOS!!) OH ‘BOO’ all you like, I'm telling you it is a man of weak character who won against weak contestants - and who is now going out of his way to create a weak country.

RYAN SECREST: Ooh, B-HO, ouch. What do you think about Simon's comments there?

B-HO: Well, I uh...I um..maybe, he-he, maybe um uh I'm ready for, um, uh, the Special Olym—(MSM CROWD INTERRUPTS WITH ROARING ADORING APPLAUSE!)
SECREST: We need to re-rack our ‘telly-prompter’ - as Simon calls it - and we'll beeeee right back with special guest mentor Hugo Chavez!

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