My Complaint About Dan Rather

Scott Pakin Complaint Generator | 09-15-04 | Daihuy

[DaiHuy]

There are many ethically bankrupt, self-centered palookas who want to test another formula for silencing serious opposition. One -- Dan Rather -- is so silly, he deserves special mention. As this letter will make clear, you don't have to say anything specifically about Rather for him to start attacking you. All you have to do is dare to imply that we should speak up and speak out against him. Please forgive the following sermon, but it can't be avoided in this discussion: For those of us who make our living trying to give our propaganda fighters an instrument that is very much needed at this time, it is important to consider that it's really not bloody-mindedness that compels me to invigorate the effort to reach solutions by increasing the scope of the inquiry, rather than by narrowing or abandoning it. It's my sense of responsibility to you, the reader. Unless we put to rest the animosities that have kept various groups of people from enjoying anything other than superficial unity, our whole social structure will gradually disintegrate and crumble into ruins. The original purpose of absolutism was to canonize pugnacious perverts as nomological emblems of propriety. But let's not quibble about that.

The grossly fallacious reasoning behind Rather's "compromises" can be confirmed by some simple fact-checking. But let's not lose perspective. I have begged Rather's cohorts to step forth and name and shame Rather's minions for their ribald acts of hedonism. To date, not a single soul has agreed to help in this fashion. Are they worried about how Rather might retaliate? That's the question that perplexes me the most, because if Rather thinks his smear tactics represent progress, he should rethink his definition of progress. Some of his attendants once admitted -- after considerable tergiversation -- that yes, Rather had secretly plotted to encourage men to leave their wives, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become chauvinistic, gormless purveyors of malice and hatred. Which brings us to the harsh reality that must be faced: What really upsets me is that he wants to suppress controversy and debate. I always catch hell whenever I say something like that, so let me assure you that he likes to promote racial superiority doctrines, ethnic persecution, imperialist expansion, and genocide. Such activity can flourish only in the dark, however. If you drag it into the open, Rather and his supporters will run for cover, like cockroaches in a dirty kitchen when the light is turned on suddenly during the night. That's why we must begin a course of careful, planned, and coordinated action. I believe I have finally figured out what makes people like him turn positions of leadership into positions of complacency. It appears to be a combination of an overactive mind, lack of common sense, assurance of one's own moral propriety, and a total lack of exposure to the real world.

My love for people necessitates that I delegitimize Rather. Yes, I face opposition from Rather. However, this is not a reason to quit but to strive harder. Perhaps he has never had to take a stand and fight for something as critical as our right to expose some of his baleful deeds. But he claims that credentialism is a viable and vital objective for our nation's educational institutions. I respond that he has a one-track mind. I am familiar with Rather's goals, I understand how he operates, I have long recognized his tactics, and I know just about where Rather now stands on the ladder to total power. I can therefore say that, sincerely, a central fault line runs through each of his apologues. Specifically, I have a message for him. My message is that, for the good of us all, he should never besmirch the memory of some genuine historic figures. He should never even try to do such a puerile thing. To make myself perfectly clear, by "never", I don't mean "maybe", "sometimes", or "it depends". I mean only that Rather speaks like a true defender of the status quo -- a status quo, we should not forget, that enables him to force me to undergo "treatment" to cure my "problem".

The largest problem, however, is that if anything, I wonder if Rather really believes the things he says. He knows they're not true, doesn't he? I'll tell you what I think the answer is. I can't prove it, but if I'm correct, events soon will prove me right. I think that if Rather would abandon his name-calling and false dichotomies, it would be much easier for me to empower the oppressed to control their own lives. If I had my druthers, Rather would never have had the opportunity to shred the basic compact between the people and their government. As it stands, Rather's harebrained maneuvers endorse a complete system of leadership by mobocracy. News of this deviousness must spread like wildfire if we are ever to remove the misunderstanding that he has created in the minds of myriad people throughout the world. He claims that every featherless biped, regardless of intelligence, personal achievement, moral character, sense of responsibility, or sanity, should be given the power to defy the law of the land. That claim illustrates a serious reasoning fallacy, one that is pandemic in his expositions. Then again, Rather can't attack my ideas, so he attacks me. It could be worse, I suppose. He could diminish our will to live. It is irresponsible to accept everything at face value. If you find that fact distressing then you should help me search for solutions that are more creative and constructive than the typically money-grubbing ones championed by incorrigible bums. Either that, or you can crawl into a corner and lament that you got yourself born in the wrong universe. Don't expect your sobbing to do much good, however, because none of Rather's "progressive" ideas have actually resulted in any progress. Now, that's a strong conclusion to draw just from the evidence I've presented in this letter. So let me corroborate it by saying that the first lies that Rather told us were relatively benign. Still, they have been progressing. And they will continue to progress until there is no more truth; his lies will grow until they blot out the sun.

This is collectivism! Lest I forget to mention this later, Rather insists that the average working-class person can't see through his chicanery. Sorry, Rather, but, with apologies to Gershwin, "it ain't necessarily so." Deep down, he knows that I'm right. Natural law is therefore the fulcrum upon which rests the case that he maliciously defames and damagingly misrepresents everyone and everything around him. There's a word for that: libel. Did Rather cancel his plans to keep essential documents hidden from the public until they become politically moot because he had a change of heart, or is he continuing the same battle on another front? It would appear to be the latter. To sum it all up, the use of long run-on sentences, bad metaphors, multiple misspellings, and inappropriately placed $5 words like "honorificabilitudinity" does not help Dan Rather's cause at all.

[DaiHuy]

I used Scott Pakin's complaint generator to do this, it is pretty apropos for Mr. Rather.

Hope you all enjoy it.

[DaiHuy]

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