What men want

There is probably no question so universally feared by men the world over than one heard throughout the living rooms of the world on a nightly basis. "What are you thinking about?" True, "Do I look fat?" is arguably more laden with inherent danger, but there the answer is obvious: "No."

Now, this is not the typically self-flagellating column about men written by a man in a degrading attempt to appeal to female readers – the literary equivalent of the repugnant canine habit of rolling on one's back and urinating. Rather, it is a brief attempt to decrypt the male psyche for the benefit of women who might be interested.

First, men require respect the way that women need love and affection. For some reason, many women operate under the misconception that treating the men in their lives disrespectfully is cute or somehow scores them social points. But not only does this behavior lower the woman in the eyes of those witnessing it, rest assured that it causes bitter resentment in the man so treated, even if he refuses to speak out in his own defense.

Remember that stoicism is a male virtue. Whereas a woman is unlikely to remain silent when she is angry, male silence in the face of provocation is often a serious statement that is dangerous to ignore. Men don't like to talk things out, they prefer to think things through. A man who is silent while being abused is a man who is considering his options and, often, preparing to act.

Men are not as complex as women. Whereas a woman speaks for reaction, to test and gauge what her next words should be, men, being generally less verbally skilled, have a greater tendency to articulate their meaning as precisely as they can. The more a woman pushes and probes for clarification, the further she is like to diverge from the message intended. This does not mean there is never a subtext, but in most cases, text and subtext are the same.

A man defines himself by his responsibility, and one of them, strange as it may seem, is the mood of his woman. A man whose woman is unhappy considers himself a failure, and the short-sighted woman will use this knowledge to her temporary advantage. But even the sharpest tool grows dull with use – the wise woman will eschew such manipulation and instead choose to regard her man as a potential refuge from her troubles rather than the inherent cause of them.

A man may feel he is responsible for a woman's feelings, but the truth is that he can do very little about them even if he wants to. Most of the time, happiness is a choice. Making the choice to be happy whenever possible, even in spite of difficult circumstances, can be the difference between a lifetime of shared bliss or mutual misery.

Male confidence is always attractive to a woman, which is why tearing it down almost always leaves a woman dissatisfied with the result. It is said that whereas a woman is, a man must become. Without the confidence to become what he is meant to be, a man remains incomplete. The woman who can learn to read her man, to see when his confidence is shaken, and assure him that even if he cannot believe in himself at the moment, she still does, that woman will inspire loyalty that would shame a dog.

Finally, it is not a bad thing to encourage the boy within the man from time to time. The man who cannot put aside the cares of supporting a family from time to time is a widow waiting to happen. The woman who not only accepts, but supports the male friendships of her husband will always be the most popular woman among the married men in her social circle. And learning even a little about football and holding a staunch opinion on which Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model is the prettiest will go a surprisingly long way in ensuring acceptance by the boys.

If a woman treats a man with civility and respect, maintains a cheerful attitude toward him and encourages him believe in himself, he will not only respond with love and affection, but will consider it an honor to lay down his life for her, both metaphorically and, if the occasion demands it, literally.

Fifty things men should, but don't, understand

1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.

2. Real men drive stick shift.

3. I will leave if you lie.

4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).

5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.

6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.

7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.

8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.

9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.

10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.

11. I expect you to call me.

12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.

13. I'm scared of losing my independence.

14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.

15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.

16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)

17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm... a. ...having a fat day. b. ...not feeling "connected" to you. c. ...blackmailing you to get something I want.

18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.

19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it.

20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.

21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.

22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.

23. You should never tell me what to do.

24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.

25. My breasts love much licking and sucking.

26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.

27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.

28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.

29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.

30. I want to be Madonna.

31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.

32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.

33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.

34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.

35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.

36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this.

37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking....

38. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times.

39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.

40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.

41. I love it when you're sweaty.

42. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.

43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.

44. I like porn.

45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.

46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.

47. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...

48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.

49. I remember everything about our relationship.

50. You should know all this and more with-out my telling you.

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.