We used to have a hamster and a cat named Smitty. I forget the hamster’s name. Smitty harassed the hamster in its cage so much that it died. We buried the poor hamster and this was his epitaph:
Smitty was his bane
Smitty was his sorrow
Smitty wants to dig him up for breakfast tomorrow
I had a pet rabbit once. He tasted good.
It died.
He said "I kind of wished the wife didn't tell the friend to stick it in freezer if it died, even if it was wrapped in plastic."