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I seem to be going through a lot of things lately. This one is personal / love live. I may explain later. But I posted the thread. I didn't have the initiative to find new words.

Oh well I will tell it after all.

got a broken heart because I girl I didn't even realize I still loved is going with someone now. We were together in 2009-2011, I wasn't sober then and she wasn't either. It was a nightmare with occasional good times.

I get sober, she doesn't, we stay out of contact.

In the last two years she wants to be friends. She's still struggling with sobriety. She's the sort of drunk that after 2 days of drinking ends up in serious withdrawls.

She begins to put together a little time. Two times she has to stay on my couch, one for a pair of months, one for about a week. First one was good, for a while, then she drinks, it's a nightmare. She goes to rehab, gets nine months(!). She comes out and she's on the couch.

All the stuff that is amazing about her, shines. I already was having some feelings emerge from being with her on the phone. After the last most recent week I kinda fall again. I didn't realize I did. She didn't know it, I didn't know it. I thought MAYBE after she gets enough sober time, MAYBE. Mentioned it to her a bunch of times, so she kinda knew that part. When she started going with this dude, I was like, WTF, I actually still love her.

When she chooses the new guy -- and it's likely, new is always exciting -- it will be a total rejection of me. I never am anyone's backup plan. To me that is a Burn Notice. You either love me or you found something lacking in me and you will leave me eventually for someone else anyways.

She drank again 2 weeks ago, and the guy she's seeing is in Narcotics anonymous. He's got more than a year clean, but people in the program know not to screw around with newcomers. I don't see it ending well, but I cannot care any more.

When she chooses him, I shall cut all contact, even friendship. I cannot be her friend without developing feelings.